” Sometimes being invisible feels like the only cure” -Shay-lon Moss
Today someone told me to write about “how I felt being transparent”. I had to think about this quite a bit, because yesterday was hard for me to write about my personal battle with weight/body shaming & I wasn’t sure how well it would go over. I found out, it has really touched many people’s hearts and I am so honored to have done this. You will have to excuse me, if my mind slips into sadness while I type because this isn’t easy opening up to people who only know me by my words.
For a moment in my life, being transparent was an “American Dream”, to know everyone knows you, sees you, deems you somewhat important & perceives you as model citizen. It was a small town so being transparent was important if you wanted to be liked. For most people, this is what we live for: being loved, liked, watched, applauded, idoled, and glorified in front of many. It almost seems unreal how I went from being the only black girl in my class/sport to the girl who was skinny, athletic, well liked, deemed smart and very good friends with some of the towns more elite class. Now race doesn’t seem necessary to mention but in my case I want to make sure everyone understands my background. I didn’t hide behind walls when people praised me, I didn’t run from demons when people laughed, I didn’t cry when people judged. I didn’t do this in front of people, I did this when I was alone. Sometimes my appearance slipped and people noticed & people made comments. I had no idea how much I hated being transparent until I realized how much I hated myself.
I perceived all this attention as a good thing, as a way to keep my popularity and make people like me, I assumed it worked; only because I seen how other people handled this same pressure and they smiled everyday the same smile. My arrogance got the best of me some days..when I felt on the up and up.. I made sure I looked down on others, when I felt closed off & beaten down.. I made sure to ignore anyone and everyone. I was a kid, I was lost and all I wanted was to be just like them, them meaning the pretty, the perfect body, the frilly hair, the devious smile, the talk of the school, and the meaningless relationships just so I could be accepted amongst my peers. What did it feel like being transparent? Hell. For every time I messed up, someone was there to remind me. I was a mistake in the making; my body kept me safe because it was the only thing “I thought was perfect” but then, then someone had to take away my safe place & I was left with nothing but tears. Being skinny was supposed to be everyone’s goal, everyone was supposed to envy me because I made sure I looked like all the others but instead everyone found a flaw, a reason to take away my smile, a reason to walk all over me, and way to make me feel less beautiful.
Do you suppose it was because they were insecure? I don’t know. I can’t answer that, because I never got the chance to ask. Middle school bullying at its making, I tell ya. People are assholes for no reason sometimes.. we may never know why for sure. High school was just a way for girls to put other girls on a pedestal and break the hearts of the ones who only had a small bit of self esteem left. Technically, high school was just a remake of middle school for me but older. I could tell you all my horror stories but it won’t help you, strengthen you, empower you or make you feel better about yourself. I still battle with my inner demons sometimes.
It’s okay to feel ugly, to feel alone, to feel not wanted; because in the end you are challenging yourself to find out what makes you feel beautiful, loved, needed. I found out, my beauty stemmed from making others feel good about themselves; I was able to be happy with my body & never made anyone feel like theirs wasn’t “perfect” because in the end I knew there is no such thing. I felt loved when I surrounded myself with those who encouraged me, motivated me, and supported me. I felt the most needed when someone needed a smile, a compliment, a good day… I felt needed when I started this major because I felt that there was not enough people who appreciated themselves. The skeletons in our closets that hold the remains of our past sometimes make our future more bright. I didn’t know back then I would have such a love for fitness and health because of how people body shamed me, I never thought I would be so inclined to help mankind change their views on “fat” & “skinny”, who knew something so small could make people look differently in the mirror. It’s okay to have flaws, to be transparent means to shine, to stand out & to be who you are in front of everyone. No more hiding, closing off, ignoring, pushing away; it’s time that you be transparent in your life.
If this post does nothing else but make you think for a couple of seconds of how you view yourself and others, I have done my duty for today. “Only those who seek to be seen will shine” -Shay-lon Moss
Thanks for reading my blog post for today, please share, comment, like & Follow.
P.S for those of you who have issues with commenting on my google account blogs, log into google and look up my blog and comment that way, or go onto wordpress and find my username and do so! If something is not working correctly, please let me know and I will try to fix it ASAP.
Your blogger Shay-lon