Damn, You. Father’s day Blues

 

Happy Father’s Day to all those who have a special dad in their life, to those who are father’s and to those that have lost their dear fathers. 

Father’s day, A day to spend with the one man who has seen you grow up and become a beautiful women, or who has seen you grow up into a handsome gentleman.  He was the man some of you went to when you needed advice, someone to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay, the man who made all your fears disappear; he was the next closest “superhero”.  A lot of times you don’t really realize what you are missing until something happens that brings up memories. 

I always looked up to the one’s closest to me when Father’s day came around, because they had everything I had always yearned for and yet I knew I had to be strong, to be fearless and to pretend it didn’t bother me for my sake just to get by.  When you are young, you don’t think nothing of these days, because you don’t really understand them and at some point, you hope that your parents can spend forever together.  I didn’t. I didn’t hope for mine to be together because I didn’t understand who this figure was; I didn’t know why he was never with us, why I had never seen him and why I was always left year after year trying to make believe he existed.  My childhood was spent arguing with my mom, trying to fit in and feeling sorry for myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I had good days like any other kid and I had “friends”, some days were more exciting than others, yet my heart was broken and I didn’t know why.  I can remember the many letters I received from this unknown man whom my mom told me was my Father. I was only around 6 or 7 at the time, it always seemed like Christmas when I would receive a letter from him because the words he used made me feel loved, made me feel wanted and made me happy.  As time progressed, the letters lessened and my happy thoughts withered, my mom and brother didn’t ask questions, I just decided to forget, forget about this man whom I called Father.  Some days I would ask my mom questions about him, about who he was, why he never visited, where he was, and why I could never see him, but she refused to answer; refused to hurt me with the truth at such a young age.  I didn’t understand then, as I do now.  I didn’t understand how she never cried, how she never hurt and how she never wondered why my Father had never shown year after year.  How come I was left to pretend my life was fine, left to think he never loved me, how come my heart ached when people would ask me who my father was, how could she see me and now know I was dying away at the core, and wanted more.

Every man who came into my mom’s life was like another demon, another reason to be mad, to cry, to hate & to envy. None of them treated me and my brother like a father should, they failed to give me love, failed to talk to me, failed to understand my anger and multiple of them hurt my mom; multiple of them made me act out in rage & all of them failed to fill my void.  My mom hated how I acted out, got mad at me for being mad and not being able to control it because I couldn’t understand how she could move on and pretend shit was okay. Hell, I couldn’t stand living much longer when everything I did made my relationship with my mom worse.  My brother was my go-to, my playmate, my sidekick and he protected me from getting my spankings many, many times.  My ninth grade year, my mom decided to announce we would move to Texas, I was suppose I was pissed off but I figured it was because my mom wanted to be closer to her father and grandpa meant a lot to me, and my uncle lived in Texas too, and I loved him a bunch too.  Moving after ninth grade year was bittersweet, come to find out, my mom moved us because she met another man; another poser, another fraud, another reason to ruin my life.  He gave us money to make us smile, he didn’t talk to us, he didn’t hug us, he didn’t even love us.  He was my mom’s failed experiment.  The difference between him and others was the fact they ended up married, but I believe the only reason why.. was for a bad reason. He was in the army. we lived in Texas for 2 years before having to move again to Colorado, and having to spend my senior year making new friends, meeting new people, and pretending life was perfect.  It is too bad I couldn’t pretend hard enough to push the nightmares out.  Sure, we lived a very nice lifestyle, had a nice house, and nice neighborhood and went to a good school.  School was my escape many times away from home, because home grew old, grew sad and had more madness than what it was worth. I started to hang out with more people, to explore myself a bit more and started to use social media. At 18, my mom decided to express something about my father while we were in a grocery store.  She told me his name, where he was and why he was where he was.  For some reason, I didn’t understand, I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to break down but she told me I was old enough to understand, that it didn’t effect me, BUT guess what mom? It did. 

Now I was more damaged than I already was, and now the big secret was revealed to me and I hated him. I hated him because of who he was, I hated both my parents; one for not being there and the other for bringing different men in my life and not making any of them worthy of my love or care.  Once again, my mom failed to understand my anger and failed to care.  What my mom didn’t know was while she was dating and being a puppet to each and every man in our lives, I was slowly transitioning myself into a whore and seeking attention from men. Luckily for my mom I stayed a virgin but only because I knew I didn’t want to go down that road, I wanted more for myself.  I just wanted attention, wanted to be held and told I was beautiful, I would hang out with people who knew what it was like to get the kind of love that I craved. “A sinner never shares her deepest secrets”, I can tell you one thing, I was no saint and I didn’t want to be the “Golden child” anymore.  Somewhere along the way I lost taste in men and found hope in women ( a story for another day).  Years later, their marriage failed and I moved back to Ohio and got another brother out of the deal.  I was starting over again, starting over on my own.  

Dad, 

just in case you thought your daughter was going to fail in life without you, just in case you thought I was going to be a product of the system and just in case you thought I cried for you this year, father I didn’t.  I didn’t become a product of the system, I didn’t fail in life, I didn’t cry for you this year and years previous.  I graduated high school, in the top percent, I graduated college with honors and on the Deans list and I am a law abiding working citizen. I started to think about you again today, but realized, what for? just to remind myself of all the things you should have been there to see, to remind you of all the shit I had to go through on my own, to remind you of how I hated myself for many years, for you to feel like you won when I decided to date women.  Dad, I turned out to be this amazing person with a big heart, mom and I have our issues every now and then but I love her dad because when you weren’t around she made sure I had food, a place to sleep and loved me unconditionally, and to top it off I had everything I ever wanted, I had new clothes and shoes, I had a bike, I had mom who took time to spend her waking days outside with me and my brother, I have a mom who works hard, who kept us from harm and who accepted me for all my flaws and all. She might never have understood my anger or sadness but dad she tried. She tried to be mom and dad so that I didn’t have to know what it was like to be without.  I am so sorry you didn’t get to see your daughter become this person, I am sorry you missed out on something special, I am sorry you missed out on me dong great things.  Dad, I have expectations for you to meet any longer, I don’t care if you ever get to see me, or if you ever decide to reach out again because I have chosen to love you unconditionally from a far and accept the fact I may never get to meet you.  You left me to wonder if you existed, and I am leaving you to wonder who your daughter grew up to be.  

Love always, 

Your daughter Shay-lon xoxo

Thank you for reading, this was my way of expressing my father’s day holiday and allowing myself to forgive this man, my mom and all her mistakes and allowing myself to remember who I am and where I came from.  This was a reflection on my past to more recent.  My two brothers mean the world to me and even if my mom is steady looking for another knight in shiny armor; I have to allow her to learn on her own how to find someone worthy of her love.  I know my worth and I am happy with who I have become, I have a lot more to work on and learn but I haven’t given up on myself.  My dad may never show his face but I accepted that a long time ago.  I hope many of you may be able to connect with this post in your own way. 

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2 thoughts on “Damn, You. Father’s day Blues

    1. Thank you, I appreciate it. It took a lot out of me to write this and hold back my tears. I am not one to normally express my feelings; especially on this such topic, but I felt the need to get it off my chest. I am pleased you enjoyed it.

      Shay-lon

      Liked by 1 person

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