365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

2.26.19

Day 58

Do you ever feel numb? What causes this?

  • Only when I have reached a limit in my anger where I don’t care anymore or when I am hitting a very lowly place in my life but normally this isn’t so. 
Do you have moments where you feel numb, or have you felt this way in the past?
Advertisements

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

2.22.19

Day 54

Do you find it difficult to control your temper?

  • Yes. Many time I have struggled with this, with me getting older, I feel as though I have gotten better with controlling my temper but not always 100 percent of the time. Probably not a good trait to have, but I haven’t chosen to seek help with this aspect of my life because I don’t feel I need professional help with it. I believe it will come down to finding an alternative way of handling my anger that will keep me calm and less overwhelmed & stay in control of my emotions naturally vs having to take medication because I don’t want to be on medicines. 
Do you struggle with keeping your temper under control? how do you handle your anger when it arises?
 

365 Days of self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

1.12.19

 Day 13

Do you believe crying is a healthy outlet for negative emotions? What makes you cry?

  • When I was younger, crying was a reaction I had to many things that were negative, mostly when I was trouble, I did it a lot. My mom disliked when I cried, she would always tell me to quit my crying and that crying wouldn’t get me anywhere in life. She used to say how quick I was to drop a tear.  I learned crying was not an accepted reaction in my household growing up & when I got older (high school and beyond) I started reacting with anger — lashing out with words and physically want to fight the person who was causing me to feel that way. I would cry while being angered or after being so angered because normally I was sad, or feeling misunderstood or feeling hopeless, I didn’t like talking about my emotions with anyone, so my emotions and feelings I held inside and sometimes it would cause me to erupt after a while. Now, I will cry when I feel some form of depression or sadness coming on, or on my period and hormones are going crazy, but it usually take a lot for me to cry — now I am more apt to respond with anger or I will ignore the person/situation all together to avoid getting myself too worked up. If I do cry, I prefer crying alone vs crying in front of others; especially in front of my mom. I don’t like having people witness me cry. 
Personally, I think crying can be used as a healthy outlet for those of us who have a hard time talking about our emotions/feelings with others, sometimes crying is what keeps someone from viciously attacking themselves or other people, it is their way of letting you know they have reached their limits. However, I do believe that crying doesn’t help solve problems, doesn’t make the pain go away — it might numb it for a small amount of time, but once you have stopped the crying it comes back, so, eventually we all have to learn to face the situation head on & find coping methods that are better suited. I cry when I am sad: death, fear sometimes, depressive episodes, certain songs that trigger flashbacks or bring back memories that are sad, pain (physical and mental pain), and sometimes guilt. 
 
What are your opinions on using crying as a healthy outlet for negative emotions, good or bad idea? why do you feel this way? what makes you cry? or are you the kind of person who doesn’t cry? 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

1.07.19

Day 8

What makes you angry? How do you deal with the anger?

  • I would be ranting if I had a list of everything that made me angry, as a matter of fact, I don’t think I could list everything because sometimes I find something new grinds my gears that I haven’t experienced before — and other times, it isn’t that I am angry, it might be just that I am frustrated and coming off angry about a situation. Either way, you got lucky because I was able to come up with a ranting list of things that anger me:
  1. Losing — I hate losing because I am competitive by nature. I never have fun losing, but I have learned to play sports, games, activities for fun because people don’t enjoy being around “sore losers”
  2. Failing – Failing at something or not being good at something; especially when I see someone else is good at it because it makes me feel “lame” not living up to those same standards & brings out my competitive nature. I tend to look at failing with perspective, and I either practice & try again or I admit to myself that I am not good at whatever it may be and move on or play for fun. 
  3. Bullying
  4. people whom seem to complain when they have it easier in life compared to others around them
  5. When people talk to me condescendingly 
  6. Shopping at Walmart
  7. Person taking advantage of someone because of their vulnerabilities
  8. Liars 
  9. 2 face individuals 
  10. Our governments choices sometimes
  11. Hate crimes
  12. bad drivers who do not care about the lives they are endangering
  13. Lack of justice for victims of any type of abuse or having to deal with unsolved homicides
What is it that makes you angry? 

365 Day Self Discovery Challenge — Day Two

Yesterday’s question

This question is from yesterday, and I apologize ahead of time for not posting it yesterday online (I did answer it in my journal yesterday) — time got away from me and didn’t have time to log on and post it on the blog. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Well for beginners, there is many things I don’t like about myself —- not as a form of self hatred but being observant of the flaws I hold that can and/cannot be changed. For this particular question, I answered it with honesty but in knowing that it is something that can be changed and worked on to better improve myself. Many of you may be able to relate or might have been able to at some point in your life — and hopefully no longer hold this flaw or are in the works of improving it so that it doesn’t hold you hostage. 

  • I would change the fact that I am hot tempered — quick to get enraged or frustrated. I never really accepted this trait previous to this question because I don’t like having to recognize that this could be an issue and one that forbids me of good relationships and lacks maturity. I cannot deny that there have been many times I have been quick to be offended and spoke out & ended up hurting someone’s feelings due to not thinking before I speak & simply speaking with anger rather than with a calm mind. I have been hot tempered all my life, some years have been worse than others, and now it isn’t as much of an issue until it is. I don’t necessarily find myself physically violent towards people, I just have a quick tongue that will do damage because my rage is speaking on my behalf & it has caused friendships to plummet & even my own family has had to endure it — my mom being the #1 person due to her being even more hot tempered than myself and us clashing when we argue. If you haven’t seen a fire show up close, watch us fight with words and venom and it gets heated fairly quickly. 0-100. I am not proud of my past and how I have chosen to handle most situations (although some of them gave me a reason to be angry and I don’t regret sticking up for myself when need be) — we are human, but this doesn’t excuse my behavior when I get worked up, I need to find better coping methods and better forms of handling my anger so I don’t lose out on people that mean to me. Growing up it was normally with my brother having to prove myself with him and feeling as though it never settled at just words, it would eventually lead to physical confrontations because I wasn’t thinking rationally & many times it even ended up being the same way with my mom as well, the fight, it was never worth it when finished, but in the beginning, it was like the adrenaline got the best of me every time. In relationships I have never been physically violent towards the ones I am dating or friends with, but I have yelled and got cocky, snarky, and said very demeaning things in place of it, and i can’t say it ever ended well — not necessarily in break ups but I am sure it left them in fear or feeling overwhelmed with how to handle the situation. Hell, I would always apologize afterwards during the calm down phase after ‘walking away’ or shutting down — and staying silent, that was my way of letting the person know I was finished with the discussion until I was good and ready to speak on it again. It’s not fair and I felt as though I was being abusive with my words towards them, and all they could do was just take it, take it and try to stay strong & maybe put up a argument back but end up giving up because they couldn’t get through to me because I was in the ‘red’ ; the I don’t give a fuck phase. 

I apologize for the pain that I may have caused some to feel due to my anger and lashing out without thinking things through, I have gotten better at holding my tongue and not jumping into each situation with fist pumping — way better but not yet perfect. It will take me time to completely allow myself to surrender those traits but it is something that is very important for me to do. All this being said, I still need enough fight in me for when I need to defend myself or stand up for myself or use my voice when it calls for it, because I don’t want to be weak & growing up when I didn’t stand up for myself — my mom would yell and punish me, she would be disappointed and expect me to handle things the way she had or/ would have. I wasn’t confrontational with people, I never have been, I don’t like it/ it makes me feel uncomfortable & I think many times this is why I lash out the way I do because it was instilled in me to have a backbone & that the walking away and allowing stuff to happen was the weak way of handling things. I never found the healthy balance, it was either being walked on or walking on others right back — and I acknowledge there is much better process than either one of these, sometimes a still tongue goes further than a talking mouth. Truth be told, my anger isn’t bad, my choice to allow it to control my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of the confrontation is bad. It’s used as my armor & to prevent me from being vulnerable and walked on, but in the end it also causes me deep regret later on. Learning this, I am happy I can admit this flaw & make it a goal to improve, I am happy with how far I’ve come now with it, but I want to make it a conscious effort each time a situation arises. These days, my first line of defense is to seek out answers with a calm level headed mind & to step away when things don’t pan out the way I had planned so that I can avoid blowing up. I hope many of you with this same trait has found a way to postpone it so that you can think things through beforehand — it is worth it. 

I thank all of you for reading and choosing to be apart of my self discovery challenge. Please take the time to answer this question for yourself; either in a post or privately and come up with a solution — think about how this particular trait or attribute hinders you or how it makes other people feel. It’s never easy to speak on our flaws because people assume we are dangerous or damaged or no good, but that’s not it, people can change if they choose to and want to, they have to be willing to find a better path, to search for answers for their pain and use it to improve themselves and grow. Now all of our flaws will be able to change, but the ones that we can, that hold negativity, should be something we work towards bettering. 

Shay-lon

Wednesday, Sept. 27th Workout

For starters, I am going to be honest in saying that today’s workout SUCKED. I don’t mean the actual workout in itself, because I made a good one, but my performance & I was angry, I was frustrated and I was throwing a tantrum getting pissed off and crying.. not because the workout was “hard” but because for some reason, I was failing at things I don’t normally do bad at, I was slower in my sprints, the kettlebell renegade rows – I kept falling over to the side .. it was aggravating, and not to mention, the ab roller workout & bottoms up workout I felt like I couldn’t do it correctly even when I knew I was.. it was like nothing was going the way it should have and I had no one to blame but myself. The competitiveness in me doesn’t like failure nor being weak nor being slow.. I aim to win everyday I am in that gym and any day I am competing, the rational person in me says this is normal, I will have bad days and the irrational person in me thinks shit should be perfect because I won’t accept anything less than. So today wasn’t my day … 

 

Light Ab & back workout

 

Workout:

Superset:

 
  • Alternating kettlebell renegade rows: 3 x 15-20, 24 lb
  • Ab roller: 3 x 15-20

Superset:

  • bentover barbell row: 3 x 15-20, 45 lb
  • bottoms up: 3 x 15-20

Superset:

  • Incline bench pull: 3 x 15-20, 30 lb
  • decline sit ups: 3 x 15-20

Cardio (3 times)

  • Kettlebell swings: 1 minute, 12 lb
  • DB box step ups: 1 minute, 20 lb
  • Sprints: 1 minute

HIIT Training: 5 Rounds, 1 minute rest between rounds

  1. High knees: 15 seconds
  2. Side leg raises: 15 seconds
  3. Jumping jacks: 15 seconds
  4. lunge step ups: 15 seconds 

Fitness WonderWoman

Shay-lon xo

Thank You (Poem At The End)

I wanted to catch everyone up on why I haven’t been active on social media and my blog page as well.. and what is to come. 

 

Firstly, I want to say thank you to all of those who have left comments on my latest YouTube video and my blog post while I have been MIA – it truly means the world to me and while I did not respond to any of them, I did read them.. and it made me thankful that many of you were being as supportive as possible. 

 

Secondly, I apologize that all my viewers and blog friends and followers have not seen much of me on social media (including this blog) and I know it sucks because I have so much to write about and all you flock to my page to get the next big thing I have written; waiting patiently and none of you were prepared for this disappeared kind of moment. This was not fair to any of you – but I had to do what I had to do if it meant staying away for a while.

 

Thirdly, for those of you who aren’t caught up or new to the blog, this week has been full of emotional lows for me, I have been in rage, sad, frustrated, confused, and withdrew from close friends and family – for reasons I will not discuss on this blog or social media.. some may have guessed it or might have a clue as to why but I will not confirm those reasons for privacy reasons. I have a personal life that isn’t always something I want to discuss online. It has been very difficult for me, I haven’t been to the gym all week, I left the gym on Tuesday in tears and anger that I could not manage to go back all this week, I haven’t been eating much at all and my selections have not been healthiest at all – in all honesty I have been falling apart all week. The first to go was my mind, I lost it.. I was in my room crying most days and throwing shit other days of the week and all in all I missed out on tons of sleep to the point of not being able to function correctly. It wasn’t until partly yesterday I was slowly showing people support on Instagram again and trying to manage my emotions all at once.. it has been difficult but in the end.. we all have shitty days, right?

 

Fourthly, I will try to create a video Monday for all of you to get some updates.. and if I don’t you will have to excuse me because I still look horrible and although emotionally I feel like I am healing somewhat, I am not 100 percent yet. Not even close to it. I will continue to blog (starting today) and have even made it a point to start some new projects during this week of emotional rollercoasters.

 

Fifthly, I have given thought on starting a second blog that has nothing to do with fitness at all. It is a totally different spectrum and I will be honest, not sure what will come of it if I decide to do it but I feel like it could be a good thing for others as well as myself. I will continue this fitness blog – no worries, this is my FIRST love and my career and life, so this won’t be going away. Along with a new blog page means I will probably be creating a new facebook page dedicated to it, but that is all something I will start at later dates, I am taking this a day at a time. So be patient with me. 

 

Lastly, I have decided to share a simple poem with all of you I created within minutes of writing this post, hopefully all of you will enjoy it. I will be working on myself day my day because I want to make the most of my life with someone I adore and love and I want to better myself in all aspects of life and I want to blossom into something that I know I am capable of! All of your emails, comments, and social media messages have been read and I am in so much ‘ahh’ at all how many of you were by my side during this time, I am blessed beyond belief to have an online family who stands by my corner but I also want to thank all my close friends and family for keeping me on the up and up even when I was falling into pieces in front of you, you are my heros and I love you!

 

Poem:

I fell on my face, nothing could pick me back up

for all this time, I thought I wasn’t enough

sometimes the mental pain drains me, and my body hates me,

the insanity that takes over me – has me going crazy

 

the smile on my face gave me such distaste, pretending to be happy 

in order to survive this phase. 

It takes strength to grow but I didn’t know it would take so much pain

for every flower around me withered at my downward spiral that I gained

 

You won’t understand my story,  it has no end but many beginnings

You won’t understand my words, they are spoken while drinking henny,,

You won’t understand me, because I am everything in between..

This poem is only a small dose of me.

 

-Shay-lon Moss (this poem was created by me and copyrighted)

 

Thanks for reading, 

 

Fitness WonderWoman