Do you ever feel numb? What causes this?
- Only when I have reached a limit in my anger where I don’t care anymore or when I am hitting a very lowly place in my life but normally this isn’t so.
Do you ever feel numb? What causes this?
Do you find it difficult to control your temper?
Do you believe crying is a healthy outlet for negative emotions? What makes you cry?
What makes you angry? How do you deal with the anger?
This question is from yesterday, and I apologize ahead of time for not posting it yesterday online (I did answer it in my journal yesterday) — time got away from me and didn’t have time to log on and post it on the blog.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Well for beginners, there is many things I don’t like about myself —- not as a form of self hatred but being observant of the flaws I hold that can and/cannot be changed. For this particular question, I answered it with honesty but in knowing that it is something that can be changed and worked on to better improve myself. Many of you may be able to relate or might have been able to at some point in your life — and hopefully no longer hold this flaw or are in the works of improving it so that it doesn’t hold you hostage.
I apologize for the pain that I may have caused some to feel due to my anger and lashing out without thinking things through, I have gotten better at holding my tongue and not jumping into each situation with fist pumping — way better but not yet perfect. It will take me time to completely allow myself to surrender those traits but it is something that is very important for me to do. All this being said, I still need enough fight in me for when I need to defend myself or stand up for myself or use my voice when it calls for it, because I don’t want to be weak & growing up when I didn’t stand up for myself — my mom would yell and punish me, she would be disappointed and expect me to handle things the way she had or/ would have. I wasn’t confrontational with people, I never have been, I don’t like it/ it makes me feel uncomfortable & I think many times this is why I lash out the way I do because it was instilled in me to have a backbone & that the walking away and allowing stuff to happen was the weak way of handling things. I never found the healthy balance, it was either being walked on or walking on others right back — and I acknowledge there is much better process than either one of these, sometimes a still tongue goes further than a talking mouth. Truth be told, my anger isn’t bad, my choice to allow it to control my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of the confrontation is bad. It’s used as my armor & to prevent me from being vulnerable and walked on, but in the end it also causes me deep regret later on. Learning this, I am happy I can admit this flaw & make it a goal to improve, I am happy with how far I’ve come now with it, but I want to make it a conscious effort each time a situation arises. These days, my first line of defense is to seek out answers with a calm level headed mind & to step away when things don’t pan out the way I had planned so that I can avoid blowing up. I hope many of you with this same trait has found a way to postpone it so that you can think things through beforehand — it is worth it.
I thank all of you for reading and choosing to be apart of my self discovery challenge. Please take the time to answer this question for yourself; either in a post or privately and come up with a solution — think about how this particular trait or attribute hinders you or how it makes other people feel. It’s never easy to speak on our flaws because people assume we are dangerous or damaged or no good, but that’s not it, people can change if they choose to and want to, they have to be willing to find a better path, to search for answers for their pain and use it to improve themselves and grow. Now all of our flaws will be able to change, but the ones that we can, that hold negativity, should be something we work towards bettering.
For starters, I am going to be honest in saying that today’s workout SUCKED. I don’t mean the actual workout in itself, because I made a good one, but my performance & I was angry, I was frustrated and I was throwing a tantrum getting pissed off and crying.. not because the workout was “hard” but because for some reason, I was failing at things I don’t normally do bad at, I was slower in my sprints, the kettlebell renegade rows – I kept falling over to the side .. it was aggravating, and not to mention, the ab roller workout & bottoms up workout I felt like I couldn’t do it correctly even when I knew I was.. it was like nothing was going the way it should have and I had no one to blame but myself. The competitiveness in me doesn’t like failure nor being weak nor being slow.. I aim to win everyday I am in that gym and any day I am competing, the rational person in me says this is normal, I will have bad days and the irrational person in me thinks shit should be perfect because I won’t accept anything less than. So today wasn’t my day …
Light Ab & back workout
Cardio (3 times)
HIIT Training: 5 Rounds, 1 minute rest between rounds
I wanted to catch everyone up on why I haven’t been active on social media and my blog page as well.. and what is to come.
Firstly, I want to say thank you to all of those who have left comments on my latest YouTube video and my blog post while I have been MIA – it truly means the world to me and while I did not respond to any of them, I did read them.. and it made me thankful that many of you were being as supportive as possible.
Secondly, I apologize that all my viewers and blog friends and followers have not seen much of me on social media (including this blog) and I know it sucks because I have so much to write about and all you flock to my page to get the next big thing I have written; waiting patiently and none of you were prepared for this disappeared kind of moment. This was not fair to any of you – but I had to do what I had to do if it meant staying away for a while.
Thirdly, for those of you who aren’t caught up or new to the blog, this week has been full of emotional lows for me, I have been in rage, sad, frustrated, confused, and withdrew from close friends and family – for reasons I will not discuss on this blog or social media.. some may have guessed it or might have a clue as to why but I will not confirm those reasons for privacy reasons. I have a personal life that isn’t always something I want to discuss online. It has been very difficult for me, I haven’t been to the gym all week, I left the gym on Tuesday in tears and anger that I could not manage to go back all this week, I haven’t been eating much at all and my selections have not been healthiest at all – in all honesty I have been falling apart all week. The first to go was my mind, I lost it.. I was in my room crying most days and throwing shit other days of the week and all in all I missed out on tons of sleep to the point of not being able to function correctly. It wasn’t until partly yesterday I was slowly showing people support on Instagram again and trying to manage my emotions all at once.. it has been difficult but in the end.. we all have shitty days, right?
Fourthly, I will try to create a video Monday for all of you to get some updates.. and if I don’t you will have to excuse me because I still look horrible and although emotionally I feel like I am healing somewhat, I am not 100 percent yet. Not even close to it. I will continue to blog (starting today) and have even made it a point to start some new projects during this week of emotional rollercoasters.
Fifthly, I have given thought on starting a second blog that has nothing to do with fitness at all. It is a totally different spectrum and I will be honest, not sure what will come of it if I decide to do it but I feel like it could be a good thing for others as well as myself. I will continue this fitness blog – no worries, this is my FIRST love and my career and life, so this won’t be going away. Along with a new blog page means I will probably be creating a new facebook page dedicated to it, but that is all something I will start at later dates, I am taking this a day at a time. So be patient with me.
Lastly, I have decided to share a simple poem with all of you I created within minutes of writing this post, hopefully all of you will enjoy it. I will be working on myself day my day because I want to make the most of my life with someone I adore and love and I want to better myself in all aspects of life and I want to blossom into something that I know I am capable of! All of your emails, comments, and social media messages have been read and I am in so much ‘ahh’ at all how many of you were by my side during this time, I am blessed beyond belief to have an online family who stands by my corner but I also want to thank all my close friends and family for keeping me on the up and up even when I was falling into pieces in front of you, you are my heros and I love you!
I fell on my face, nothing could pick me back up
for all this time, I thought I wasn’t enough
sometimes the mental pain drains me, and my body hates me,
the insanity that takes over me – has me going crazy
the smile on my face gave me such distaste, pretending to be happy
in order to survive this phase.
It takes strength to grow but I didn’t know it would take so much pain
for every flower around me withered at my downward spiral that I gained
You won’t understand my story, it has no end but many beginnings
You won’t understand my words, they are spoken while drinking henny,,
You won’t understand me, because I am everything in between..
This poem is only a small dose of me.
-Shay-lon Moss (this poem was created by me and copyrighted)
Thanks for reading,