365 Days of self Discovery: Your Relationships

7.01.19

Day 42

Is there a relationship in your life that you would like to change? How would you change it?

There are a few relationships in my life currently that I would like to change — all of which needed changed years ago but still haven’t reached the point where I am satisfied, more like content because it has improved but not more than a little steps forward and 100 steps backwards. 

  1. The relationship between me and my younger brother (24) — we are 3 years apart so we have grown up together and I feel as though our relationship/bond is not there; it is forced or neglected. I have raised my hand and tried to connect & find a way to bond but he pushes it away or ignores it and it sucks because I think as siblings, we should be a lot closer than what we are & I always hope he will eventually jump on board or at least TRY, but fails to do so for whatever reason. Neither one of us is perfect but our relationship is not healthy– it is more or less a battle that has been going on for years & instead of displaying it for the world to see, we tend to hide it and pretend nothing is wrong– I feel as though he has grown to be more arrogant in general but especially towards me, he feels more superior and thinks everything he says is right, he has the support of my mom (which is another not great relationship I have), he lacks any form of respect towards me as human and finds joy in making me feel like crap most of the time. I’d love to get to the point where we can hang out and really be involved in each others lives but so far it hasn’t happened. 
  2. The relationship between my mom and myself, this one has shown improvement but again not enough where it stays consistent. I feel as though my mom will always have conditions for her love when it comes to me compared to my sibling. It shows and it gets old and my grandmother witnesses it & while I do love my mom and wouldn’t wish anything bad to happen to her, I feel myself steady detaching myself from her and my younger brother & unless something changes between now and the next year, I will find myself without either one of them being apart of my life due to my own choice because I don’t want a relationship like this for the rest of my life, and I need positive supportive people in my life who love me without conditions & don’t have me feeling like I have to constantly prove myself worthy of their love. 
  3. The relationship with one or both of my cousins — we don’t have a relationship really, because we don’t talk besides the holidays and even then, not much is said between us & I want that to change but honestly, I don’t know how I would go about it at this rate because I don’t know if I am willing to make the first move in hopes they take to it. I would agree that I should be the bigger person or TRY but at the same time, I get sick of trying and failing or feeling like I am overextending myself to be let down or made a fool at the end of the road. I think when it comes to this relationship, I would like to see her make the first move and hopefully I am receptive of it in return. 
This was a good question indeed, it really made me analyze the type of relationships I have with my family & friends honestly & it also made me aware of what would need to be done in order for it to be salvaged or maintained in a healthy way. I like to hope by this time next year, all three of these relationships are better and have shown great improvement or steps towards it and I will have positive things to share but I can’t hold my breathe. I don’t like playing victim but at the same time I don’t like taking fault for things that I didn’t choose to do & I would like for my family members to take some form of responsibility in this and at least try to talk about it with me or make some form of change that opens a door for discussion & peace. 
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365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Dreams/Wishes/Hopes/Future

5.11.19

Day 31

What do you want your legacy to be?

  • Not something I have given thought about personally, but now that the question arises, I suppose I would want my legacy to be something meaningful, positive, and brought some kind of change in a person(s) life or some form of change in the world.
What do you want your legacy to be, or do you not care?

365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Dreams/Wishes/Hopes/Future

5.03.19

Day 23

Do you embrace the “new”?

  • Not always, sometimes. 
Do you embrace the new?

365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Dreams/Wishes/Hopes/Future

4.28.19

Day 18

You have decided to emigrate, where are you going to live?

  • Columbus, OH. Not a far drive from where I live now in Ohio. Then eventually down the line, I’d like to move someplace warmer after doing research and visiting a few states of interest.
Where would you move to? 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

2.16.19

Day 48

What makes you nervous?

  • Change. Change in routine, change in location, change in people’s character/personalities (negatively). I believe fear also makes me nervous, fear of failure, fear of challenges/obstacles & having to teach myself to overcome them, fear of unknown(s), fear of the future (not know what will come of mine), fear of new relationships & friendships (not knowing how the person(s) will turn out), fear of disappointing others, fear of making a mistake that could lead to greater consequences. 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

1.15.19

Day 16

If you ran away, where would you go?

  • Funny thing is, I have given this question much thought in the past. I have decided I would choose someplace that nobody knows me, it would be almost like starting over & I would want someplace that gives me a sense of adventure and with diversity. Hopefully if I ran away, it would eventually lead me someplace I could call home or at least feel at ease about. 
Has this ever crossed your mind, where would you want to go if you ran away?

Random thought — & I just might do it!

It came to me.. & so I have decided to share it with you. 

 

So basically I have decided to take on a 365 day self-discovery impromptu questions — that will help me to hopefully get started on my journey to learning more about myself and what it means to be me. I know each year I will have different answers, and different reasons and experiences — which is why each year I plan on doing this — maybe same questions and maybe different questions. Who knows, all I know is, I want to watch myself unravel (both on paper and online). I know my blog is a fitness/health/wellness based blog & I don’t want that to be sidelined but I have always talked about mental health importance and I feel this fits in with it. Especially for myself. I need to self heal from wounds, I need to find myself and try not to lose grasp of what’s important to me due to other people not accepting it. I need to rediscover parts of me that I have been avoiding for years & try to grow myself from within to have a balance. I realize I will have bad days, and those can’t be avoided 100 percent but now it’s about coping with the bad days and finding a reason to look forward but not hold a longevity grudge that keeps my mind hostage. I don’t want to be held hostage in my own mind and I don’t want to hold myself back from opportunities that could arise here & now or in the near future. 

Along with this self journaling I will be doing, I am going to be on a spiritual walk as well — as best as I can because I am human. This doesn’t mean I am going to be attending church or reading bible scriptures each day of the week — that’s not on my agenda. I just mean I am going to try to do a prayer daily (and not only when I have bad days) but also when the day is good & I am grateful for the fruits of my labor. Along with this spiritual venture, I have decided to give meditation another go and really implement it daily so that I have some form of mental coping mechanisms and clarity more often when I am feeling overwhelmed/stressed/angry/sad, etc. It won’t be easy because I am used to being part of the hustle and bustle but I am going to give it a go and see where what becomes of it. The goal is to post what meditation I did (duration, teacher, explanation & feelings towards it) and how it might have helped or didn’t help me or what I got from it/learned. Again I know this is odd considering the basis of most my post have more to do with the fact I am in a gym, but I needed to add something new for me & hopefully all of you will enjoy it as well. Not to mention, once my website is running, these are some of the “challenges” I will be writing on my personal training site as well so that my readers can get to know me on a less superficial basis and my clients can somewhat understand me. I don’t know how it will all play out, but I am positive something good will come from this. Especially if I plan on doing it for a long time. 

I will continue to post my normal postings, so don’t feel as though I will neglect those, I won’t. I want to enhance my blog to a more lifestyle/fitness/health and wellness blog where it can cover multitudes of body and mind & not just one side of it. I am new to talking about deeper routed issues, so some questions may be harder than others, but I will give it my all. As far as meditation goes, I want to make it into a 365 day challenge as well — with sticking with it and implementing it daily (this will keep me accountable for both). 

&& on a random note, I have been reading more again, & so I may every once in a while post a book I have read and some insight,  those will probably be part of my thursday thoughts post.. since my blog is not a readers digest , lol.  Thank you for being an awesome audience & again, I hope all of you will enjoy the new adventure… it will begin Monday! 

Shay-lon