365 Days of self Discovery: Your Relationships

7.01.19

Day 42

Is there a relationship in your life that you would like to change? How would you change it?

There are a few relationships in my life currently that I would like to change — all of which needed changed years ago but still haven’t reached the point where I am satisfied, more like content because it has improved but not more than a little steps forward and 100 steps backwards. 

  1. The relationship between me and my younger brother (24) — we are 3 years apart so we have grown up together and I feel as though our relationship/bond is not there; it is forced or neglected. I have raised my hand and tried to connect & find a way to bond but he pushes it away or ignores it and it sucks because I think as siblings, we should be a lot closer than what we are & I always hope he will eventually jump on board or at least TRY, but fails to do so for whatever reason. Neither one of us is perfect but our relationship is not healthy– it is more or less a battle that has been going on for years & instead of displaying it for the world to see, we tend to hide it and pretend nothing is wrong– I feel as though he has grown to be more arrogant in general but especially towards me, he feels more superior and thinks everything he says is right, he has the support of my mom (which is another not great relationship I have), he lacks any form of respect towards me as human and finds joy in making me feel like crap most of the time. I’d love to get to the point where we can hang out and really be involved in each others lives but so far it hasn’t happened. 
  2. The relationship between my mom and myself, this one has shown improvement but again not enough where it stays consistent. I feel as though my mom will always have conditions for her love when it comes to me compared to my sibling. It shows and it gets old and my grandmother witnesses it & while I do love my mom and wouldn’t wish anything bad to happen to her, I feel myself steady detaching myself from her and my younger brother & unless something changes between now and the next year, I will find myself without either one of them being apart of my life due to my own choice because I don’t want a relationship like this for the rest of my life, and I need positive supportive people in my life who love me without conditions & don’t have me feeling like I have to constantly prove myself worthy of their love. 
  3. The relationship with one or both of my cousins — we don’t have a relationship really, because we don’t talk besides the holidays and even then, not much is said between us & I want that to change but honestly, I don’t know how I would go about it at this rate because I don’t know if I am willing to make the first move in hopes they take to it. I would agree that I should be the bigger person or TRY but at the same time, I get sick of trying and failing or feeling like I am overextending myself to be let down or made a fool at the end of the road. I think when it comes to this relationship, I would like to see her make the first move and hopefully I am receptive of it in return. 
This was a good question indeed, it really made me analyze the type of relationships I have with my family & friends honestly & it also made me aware of what would need to be done in order for it to be salvaged or maintained in a healthy way. I like to hope by this time next year, all three of these relationships are better and have shown great improvement or steps towards it and I will have positive things to share but I can’t hold my breathe. I don’t like playing victim but at the same time I don’t like taking fault for things that I didn’t choose to do & I would like for my family members to take some form of responsibility in this and at least try to talk about it with me or make some form of change that opens a door for discussion & peace. 
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365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Relationships

6.17.19

Day 28

What do you want other people to know about you?

  • I can be somewhat complex when it comes to my emotions and feelings because a lot of times it is based on the feelings and emotions of the people in my surroundings, a thought/flashback, or a song I might be singing or thinking of at the time and it outwardly shows on my face/body language. It seems as though my emotions change rapidly without reason from the outside looking in, but I feed off other people & it doesn’t help when I feel uncomfortable or feel a threat or feel the emotions from others & sometimes it is also due to the fact that I have crap going on and instead of voicing it or venting out loud, I keep it within. 
  • I am very giving of myself and I’ve learned that I tend to give too much of myself early on or too quickly & i become emotionally attached — so when/if things go south in a friendship or relationships it drains me emotionally and takes a lot out of me because I have very little left of me for me to heal. 
  • I don’t like the concept of everyone being my friend, I choose my friends wisely — at least try and any type of bond I bring into my life — has to be meaningful to me and feel comfortable before I decide to call them my friend because friends are something special to me & I am a loyal friend so I want good people in my circle. 
  • I am much better at listening to people than I am speaking about myself or talking in general because I am socially awkward
  • I am not good at keeping up with my friendships — I don’t do well with keeping in touch with people regularly, I have a hard time asking people to hang out, I don’t feel affected when I haven’t seen or spoken to my friend(s) in months. I find I am great at making friends but suck at actually keeping them for long periods of time. 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

3.06.19

Day 66

What is your biggest fear? Why do you think you are afraid?

  • My biggest fear(s) are being alone for the rest of my life (dying alone), dying in a traumatic way (car accident, murder, etc). never amounting to something and being at a constant standstill in my life (no investment in buying a house/condo, living paycheck to paycheck, having to work two jobs, not being able to afford traveling, no sense of self growth or accomplishment. 
I assume most people have a fear of something, no matter how big or small. What are your biggest fears — and why? 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

3.05.19

Day 65

Are you easily annoyed, what annoys you?

  • Yes, I am in fact easily annoyed. Typically, I am annoyed when I have a lot on my mind/flooded with thoughts, or when I am on THAT “time of month”, when I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed out or having a bad day. The smallest thing(s) will annoy me when I am annoyed, like it doesn’t take much when I have reached that level. 
Are you the type to be easily annoyed? if so, what causes you to be annoyed?

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

3.04.19

Day 64

How does uncertainty make you feel?

  • I don’t like the feeling; it gives me anxiety & causes me stress or to be overwhelmed.

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

3.03.19

Day 63

Do you ever feel inferior, why is this?

  • Eh, sometimes when I find myself comparing myself to others or when I am dating someone whom I believe to be out of my league. I suppose it is a self worth issue, but something I work on, but I will say, when it comes to everyday common people and what they have vs what I have materialistically, I don’t pay much attention to. 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

3.02.19

Day 62

Would you say you are an optimistic person?

  • Honestly, yes I am. However, I am also a realist, so I think things for what they are. Being optimistic but also being realistic helps me to see the bigger picture and pay attention to small details and to not get too far over my head.