365 days of self discovery: Day 49

10.21.18

What is your reaction when you don’t get what you want?

  • Quite a funny question, due to the fact, I like to assume we have all somewhat had this happen & maybe we weren’t happy about it, but I will assume none of through a tantrum? or did we? lol. Well, growing up in my household, my mom always made sure me and my brother had what we need and most of our wants/if not all; so I never knew what it was like to go without something — and when there would be that ONE time where I really wanted something because someone else had it, and my mom failed to get it for me, I just assumed it was because we couldn’t afford it at the time and would try my hardest to not allow it to bother me (but we know people start to ask questions and so sometimes my classmates or teammates would ask me why I don’t have it, or when I would get it) and I would just make up some kind of lie or rather just pretend I didn’t give a shit about it to want it. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn’t & to be honest, I only remember one time of that happening & my coach would then chime in and try to help pay for it (it was a team hoodie) and my mom just didn’t have the funds right away to get it for me, not to mention it wasn’t her only priority and my coach would then ask me about it and after finding out my mom’s reason for me not having it, I don’t remember if my coach helped to afford it or if my mom just ended up paying for it later on.. either way, that probably has been the only time. Regardless, as I got older, I was then taught in order to get something I wanted, I needed to earn it with either getting a job and making money or doing something around the house that was well worthy the prize. At first it was annoying (to be fair, I didn’t get my first job until I was 18) and it wasn’t like my chores were all that hard, I was just being a lazy teen. I was really living a life of luxury, my mom did our laundry and folded our clothes, etc, hell I didn’t have to do my first batch of laundry until I was like 21 or 22  I think? lol so I can’t really say my life was hard, it wasn’t. Anyways, after obtaining my first job, and having paid for something for the first time with my own money, it felt really good to say I could afford something I wanted and then on, I kind of got used to it UNTIL I quit my job by not showing up for work & my mom didn’t find out til like later on and yeah, so I have to say, I also didn’t particularly want to work but somewhere down the line I ended up getting another job and keeping it much longer. Now that I much older than I was, and don’t rely on my mom for finances; I have had to endure things that humbled me to the point where I had to make certain sacrifices in order to obtain something I wanted, and with those experiences came a better attitude and means of handling things when I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I will still get frustrated or upset depending on the situation but many times, I shrug it off and move on.  
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365 days of self discovery: day 10

What is your favorite song? What does it mean to you?

Honestly, I love music, It matches my mood when I listen to a certain song. Depending on how I feel, will depend on what I listen to, I don’t think I have one favorite song, but I do have favorites that I listen to more than others or that have significance to my life in some way. I’ll keep the list somewhat short because it’s constantly growing & hopefully some of you will share some of the same likes for the songs listed.

In no particular order:

  1. Ally Hills – “wrong”
  2. Lana Del Rey- “gods and monsters”
  3. Lana Del Rey” – Young and beautiful”
  4. Lana Del Rey- “Born to die”
  5. In this moment- “whore”
  6. Skid row- ” I remember you”
  7. Linkin Park- “one more light”
  8. Luke Combs- “Hurricane”
  9. Thomas Rhett- “Marry me”
  10. Prince- “doves cry”
  11. Melanie Martinez-“Pity party”
  12. Melanie Martinez- “dollhouse”
  13. The 1975- “somebody else”
  14. Gwen Stefani- “4 in the morning”
  15. Melanie Martinez- “Mrs Potato head”
  16. Halsey- “Hopeless”
  17. Daya- “new”
  18. Bryce Vine- “Drew Barrymore”
  19. Jose Gonzalez- “Stay Alive”
  20. Auli’ i Cravalho- “How far i’ll go” (Moana movie) Disney movie

I do listen to rap and hip hop as well, but most of the songs don’t hold meaning to me, which is why I didn’t list any of them, they are usually to get me pumped up, dance to, or have a good time to. There are a few love songs that I like listening to as well that I didn’t list because they are for more intimate settings, lol. Most of the time, I enjoy songs that can help me to get my thoughts and emotions out & obviously if I can relate to it, like the beat and chorus, etc. Many things go into me liking a song, so the ones on the list I probably have listened to more than 100 times each and enjoy but as I have mentioned before, there are more songs that I haven’t listed that I enjoy as well. 

Share what your favorite song is, or songs. Let me know why & feel free to follow & like the page! 

Shay-lon

365 Day Self Discovery Challenge — Day Two

Yesterday’s question

This question is from yesterday, and I apologize ahead of time for not posting it yesterday online (I did answer it in my journal yesterday) — time got away from me and didn’t have time to log on and post it on the blog. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Well for beginners, there is many things I don’t like about myself —- not as a form of self hatred but being observant of the flaws I hold that can and/cannot be changed. For this particular question, I answered it with honesty but in knowing that it is something that can be changed and worked on to better improve myself. Many of you may be able to relate or might have been able to at some point in your life — and hopefully no longer hold this flaw or are in the works of improving it so that it doesn’t hold you hostage. 

  • I would change the fact that I am hot tempered — quick to get enraged or frustrated. I never really accepted this trait previous to this question because I don’t like having to recognize that this could be an issue and one that forbids me of good relationships and lacks maturity. I cannot deny that there have been many times I have been quick to be offended and spoke out & ended up hurting someone’s feelings due to not thinking before I speak & simply speaking with anger rather than with a calm mind. I have been hot tempered all my life, some years have been worse than others, and now it isn’t as much of an issue until it is. I don’t necessarily find myself physically violent towards people, I just have a quick tongue that will do damage because my rage is speaking on my behalf & it has caused friendships to plummet & even my own family has had to endure it — my mom being the #1 person due to her being even more hot tempered than myself and us clashing when we argue. If you haven’t seen a fire show up close, watch us fight with words and venom and it gets heated fairly quickly. 0-100. I am not proud of my past and how I have chosen to handle most situations (although some of them gave me a reason to be angry and I don’t regret sticking up for myself when need be) — we are human, but this doesn’t excuse my behavior when I get worked up, I need to find better coping methods and better forms of handling my anger so I don’t lose out on people that mean to me. Growing up it was normally with my brother having to prove myself with him and feeling as though it never settled at just words, it would eventually lead to physical confrontations because I wasn’t thinking rationally & many times it even ended up being the same way with my mom as well, the fight, it was never worth it when finished, but in the beginning, it was like the adrenaline got the best of me every time. In relationships I have never been physically violent towards the ones I am dating or friends with, but I have yelled and got cocky, snarky, and said very demeaning things in place of it, and i can’t say it ever ended well — not necessarily in break ups but I am sure it left them in fear or feeling overwhelmed with how to handle the situation. Hell, I would always apologize afterwards during the calm down phase after ‘walking away’ or shutting down — and staying silent, that was my way of letting the person know I was finished with the discussion until I was good and ready to speak on it again. It’s not fair and I felt as though I was being abusive with my words towards them, and all they could do was just take it, take it and try to stay strong & maybe put up a argument back but end up giving up because they couldn’t get through to me because I was in the ‘red’ ; the I don’t give a fuck phase. 

I apologize for the pain that I may have caused some to feel due to my anger and lashing out without thinking things through, I have gotten better at holding my tongue and not jumping into each situation with fist pumping — way better but not yet perfect. It will take me time to completely allow myself to surrender those traits but it is something that is very important for me to do. All this being said, I still need enough fight in me for when I need to defend myself or stand up for myself or use my voice when it calls for it, because I don’t want to be weak & growing up when I didn’t stand up for myself — my mom would yell and punish me, she would be disappointed and expect me to handle things the way she had or/ would have. I wasn’t confrontational with people, I never have been, I don’t like it/ it makes me feel uncomfortable & I think many times this is why I lash out the way I do because it was instilled in me to have a backbone & that the walking away and allowing stuff to happen was the weak way of handling things. I never found the healthy balance, it was either being walked on or walking on others right back — and I acknowledge there is much better process than either one of these, sometimes a still tongue goes further than a talking mouth. Truth be told, my anger isn’t bad, my choice to allow it to control my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of the confrontation is bad. It’s used as my armor & to prevent me from being vulnerable and walked on, but in the end it also causes me deep regret later on. Learning this, I am happy I can admit this flaw & make it a goal to improve, I am happy with how far I’ve come now with it, but I want to make it a conscious effort each time a situation arises. These days, my first line of defense is to seek out answers with a calm level headed mind & to step away when things don’t pan out the way I had planned so that I can avoid blowing up. I hope many of you with this same trait has found a way to postpone it so that you can think things through beforehand — it is worth it. 

I thank all of you for reading and choosing to be apart of my self discovery challenge. Please take the time to answer this question for yourself; either in a post or privately and come up with a solution — think about how this particular trait or attribute hinders you or how it makes other people feel. It’s never easy to speak on our flaws because people assume we are dangerous or damaged or no good, but that’s not it, people can change if they choose to and want to, they have to be willing to find a better path, to search for answers for their pain and use it to improve themselves and grow. Now all of our flaws will be able to change, but the ones that we can, that hold negativity, should be something we work towards bettering. 

Shay-lon

Been Gone for awhile

If any of you follow me on social media, you are probably aware that I had a really downward spire rough week & avoided contact with social media, friends, family, etc. I won’t get into specifics, but I have been gone for quite a while (due to circumstances) happening in my life that came unplanned and unwanted — Today is my first day back on the blog & social media in “full swing” again. The past week or so hasn’t been easy and honestly, it is only because of prayer and having the courage to get back up again when I felt dark that I am even able to write about it. Naturally, sometimes circumstances give you a chance to look at yourself with more clarity and find ways to focus on self healing, self discovery and possibly rely on some form of spiritual sense. Well as cliche as it might sound, that’s exactly what this situation left me to do besides laying in bed all day with no motivation and no drive to talk or be apart of life’s endeavors — I have decided to take on some books that hopefully will be a positive force within my life and future & I have started meditation once more, hopefully sticking with it this time, I am going to take some steps to help myself journal my self discovery and really dive into myself & try to make myself happy with what I plan on doing. It will be some steps and quite the voyage, but I feel it will be worth it. 

I pretty much will be going back to my normal routine but with some added bonuses to my daily lifestyle & my main focus will be building myself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally while building my career as a Personal Trainer. I know I have been back and forth with a schedule that works for my readers so that I stay more consistent with blogging & I plan on doing that as well (coming up with a schedule) and now that my mind is less overwhelmed, I will surely do this and let people know what will be happening with the blog(s). I have many topics but I have been working on a personal website for my business, and I plan on blogging there as well, so I want to leave many topics for that particular website when it gets finished up (& yes some topics will be from this blog as well/perhaps with a new frame of mind) I need to find a way to keep myself accountable with the self discovery and meditation — so I may decide to take part in a challenge for a year or use the blog to keep me on the right path (we shall see). I will be using a journal to document my daily thoughts, emotions, the agenda and events — good and bad to keep me aware of myself. Hopefully in the end, this is something that will help to heal and build me with a new form of appreciation for myself. 

I currently downloaded a meditation app that I have been doing for the past 4 days & it has been wonderful; if anyone wants information on it, feel free to ask, maybe we can connect. Outside of that, I will be back on social media tomorrow to reply and show support — I appreciate all of you whom have been nothing but a great positive force within my blog career and life. Much appreciated and looking forward to speaking soon!

P.S I don’t have a consistent plan/routine yet for my self healing or self discovery yet, so if you have nay books, any journals or articles (whatever resource) that you would recommend, feel free to leave it in the comments, as it would bring me great joy to further my research and find a way that works best for me through your help.

Shay-lon 

Life.Fitness.Nutrition|vlog #30

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywvI8LEy8Pk

My YouTube video today will talk about my eating habits, workouts (Fri-Sun) and what is going on in my life (thoughts, feelings, anxieties, etc). Feel free to follow, subscribe to the YouTube channel, share, comment. 

 

Thank You (Poem At The End)

I wanted to catch everyone up on why I haven’t been active on social media and my blog page as well.. and what is to come. 

 

Firstly, I want to say thank you to all of those who have left comments on my latest YouTube video and my blog post while I have been MIA – it truly means the world to me and while I did not respond to any of them, I did read them.. and it made me thankful that many of you were being as supportive as possible. 

 

Secondly, I apologize that all my viewers and blog friends and followers have not seen much of me on social media (including this blog) and I know it sucks because I have so much to write about and all you flock to my page to get the next big thing I have written; waiting patiently and none of you were prepared for this disappeared kind of moment. This was not fair to any of you – but I had to do what I had to do if it meant staying away for a while.

 

Thirdly, for those of you who aren’t caught up or new to the blog, this week has been full of emotional lows for me, I have been in rage, sad, frustrated, confused, and withdrew from close friends and family – for reasons I will not discuss on this blog or social media.. some may have guessed it or might have a clue as to why but I will not confirm those reasons for privacy reasons. I have a personal life that isn’t always something I want to discuss online. It has been very difficult for me, I haven’t been to the gym all week, I left the gym on Tuesday in tears and anger that I could not manage to go back all this week, I haven’t been eating much at all and my selections have not been healthiest at all – in all honesty I have been falling apart all week. The first to go was my mind, I lost it.. I was in my room crying most days and throwing shit other days of the week and all in all I missed out on tons of sleep to the point of not being able to function correctly. It wasn’t until partly yesterday I was slowly showing people support on Instagram again and trying to manage my emotions all at once.. it has been difficult but in the end.. we all have shitty days, right?

 

Fourthly, I will try to create a video Monday for all of you to get some updates.. and if I don’t you will have to excuse me because I still look horrible and although emotionally I feel like I am healing somewhat, I am not 100 percent yet. Not even close to it. I will continue to blog (starting today) and have even made it a point to start some new projects during this week of emotional rollercoasters.

 

Fifthly, I have given thought on starting a second blog that has nothing to do with fitness at all. It is a totally different spectrum and I will be honest, not sure what will come of it if I decide to do it but I feel like it could be a good thing for others as well as myself. I will continue this fitness blog – no worries, this is my FIRST love and my career and life, so this won’t be going away. Along with a new blog page means I will probably be creating a new facebook page dedicated to it, but that is all something I will start at later dates, I am taking this a day at a time. So be patient with me. 

 

Lastly, I have decided to share a simple poem with all of you I created within minutes of writing this post, hopefully all of you will enjoy it. I will be working on myself day my day because I want to make the most of my life with someone I adore and love and I want to better myself in all aspects of life and I want to blossom into something that I know I am capable of! All of your emails, comments, and social media messages have been read and I am in so much ‘ahh’ at all how many of you were by my side during this time, I am blessed beyond belief to have an online family who stands by my corner but I also want to thank all my close friends and family for keeping me on the up and up even when I was falling into pieces in front of you, you are my heros and I love you!

 

Poem:

I fell on my face, nothing could pick me back up

for all this time, I thought I wasn’t enough

sometimes the mental pain drains me, and my body hates me,

the insanity that takes over me – has me going crazy

 

the smile on my face gave me such distaste, pretending to be happy 

in order to survive this phase. 

It takes strength to grow but I didn’t know it would take so much pain

for every flower around me withered at my downward spiral that I gained

 

You won’t understand my story,  it has no end but many beginnings

You won’t understand my words, they are spoken while drinking henny,,

You won’t understand me, because I am everything in between..

This poem is only a small dose of me.

 

-Shay-lon Moss (this poem was created by me and copyrighted)

 

Thanks for reading, 

 

Fitness WonderWoman

 
 

I Am Only Human

Bound By Flaws.

For a first time in a long time.. 

 

It had occur to me that people see me as this “super human” amazing women who lifts heavy and walks with confidence and seemingly has her life together & everything she does just seems to be #goals (my blog, my workout, my future career, my online presence, physique, etc) & this scares me a little bit, actually a lot of bit. I mean granted I am thankful that I have inspired people, built relationships and rapport with people who now trust me enough to come to me with questions about fitness/health, have had a blog that went from 0 to hero in matter of months and that I tend to make people smile with my random comedic personality BUT what scares me is that people seem to think because of all this I did do, that they think they can’t do it. Like it took some magical pixie dust and oops the store ran out of it, so looks like no one else is capable of doing AMAZING things with their own life. 

 

I hate to give it to you like this.. BUT.. I am only human. That’s right, I came out the vagina the same way you did and I ended up on planet earth just like you. my baby self didn’t have a 6 pack and big arms, I surely wasn’t tying blogs at the age of 2 and I couldn’t have been that famous because I am still broke & I am willing to bet .. no one really even knows me besides family and friends and the people who know of me online. I could lie and say I am a HUGE deal but lets get real, I am not. Do I want to be? YES! because I have a lot to offer in my field and I know I am capable of GREAT things! I believe this. I know how hard I have to work in order to keep my physique in top notch if I want the “deals” and exposure, I know what it takes to keep my blog running smoothly so that all of you keep coming back to pester me about how much you love my stuff (lol)  & I know how much constant research, learning and events it will take for me to build more knowledge so I know what I am talking about and can teach others and spread my knowledge to others who listen to me. My life is not all daisies and wildflowers with tons of sunshine – I have cloudy days. I have periods and bloating that makes me look “gross” , I have struggled with body shaming, I have had the ups and downs of having a nice physique, I have failed in sporting events, I have struggled with my own self confidence and who I am, I have struggled financially, I have lost out on many opportunities (not being good enough), I have days where my abs are no longer there and my arms look like twigs and I am crying trying to pick myself back up. I have had many days where my post suck and I felt like walking away, and for goodness sake .. I know what it is like to have flaws. 

 

The problem is, maybe not all my flaws are seen with the human eye, maybe some of them are seen and you can pinpoint them in less than 5 seconds, but it doesn’t matter because I am no better than anyone else. Being in the fitness field can put a lot of pressure on you to be something like someone else in order to gain a huge following, more “friends”, more money and more fame. I don’t mind the pressure much anymore because I had to stop trying to be like her or him and had to try better at doing what I do best: being me, with flaws and all. I can’t always show my flaws because, hey it is a business, and I have to put on a good face and a good show if I want to keep everyone else around me happy, but when I do, it hits hard — because that is the one time I can let go and just allow myself to cry or get angry. Becoming a trainer isn’t easy either, hell .. you are responsible for someone outside of yourself and being an athlete, well hell you are responsible with being “good” and if not good, then you better be able to handle the harsh criticisms because the world is ready to chew you whole and spit you out. Truth is, during this whole time of learning about myself and wanting to go the distance in everything I do, I have learned I am as strong as I allow but I can’t handle every hurdle and I can’t handle every ball thrown at me.. because like everyone else, I am human and I am going to have days where I fall and getting back up will seem impossible. 

 

Hopefully this post gave people some perspective and understanding. Feel free to leave comments, likes, share it on social media or follow me 🙂 Thank you.

 

Your Fitness Blogger,

 

Shay-lon xxooo