RIP To All Those Who lost their lives

I just want to take the time to say how sorry I am for all those currently struggling with the loss of their loved ones during the last night’s shooting in California at Borderline Bar and Grill. This world is chaos, and it has become a “normal” thing for these mass shootings, soft shooting to take place anywhere and everywhere. That’s sad, pathetic and scary. I was on twitter today and reading the masses of tweets and one in particular stood out to me (I dont have cable any longer, so I feel am always last to know things unless posted on FB or instagram or a friend should tell me) and did you guys know that this shooting marked 304th mass shooting of 2018 thus far. It blows my mind more and more when I think about it because we used to grow up in this mentality that “my neighborhood is safe, this town has hardly any crime, this could never happen here to me, what are the chances of it happening here, and the most crimes we have are small.. ” well guess what America? NEWS FLASH! but safe is relative & there is no safe zone, nobody is safe from destruction besides the dead. Hell, growing up, I always thought this town was safe from all harm due to it being a pretty well established area with very little crime but now, we have drug overdoses every week, we have had people killed from gunshots and stabbings and we have car break ins, etc.. and guess what? that’s not nearly half of what goes on here that the crooked system tries to hide, regardless, crime can happen everywhere and no state, city, county is safe from a mass shooting erupting — people don’t give a fuck! I hate to say it, but people who want to harm others; on a mission to make hell for someone else isn’t going to discriminate where it takes place, if they have the tools and the way in, they will take it & we need not forget that aspect. 

Our country has been talking about “gun control” since the Pulse shooting and yet there has not been a solution in place, not enough action being taken and too much conversation that prolongs the process before another shooting happens. We say gun control, we say we need to not continue to make mass shootings a normal happening, we say we need to band together and come up with a solution, we say we need to change the laws, we say we need to ban certain people from obtaining weapons, etc, but what haven’t we done? we haven’t done enough.. we are discussing the same policies, the same written documents, the same agendas we were discussing back when things started and now we are doing the same thing , and this is giving perps more time to plan the next chaotic attack because we aren’t taking enough action. I am scared for our country and the future, scared for my family and friends, scared for myself and people who I don’t even know — innocent people’s lives.. I am scared because no matter what we decide, people aren’t going to wait for us to take action, they will continue to do these shootings because they can and will. When we finally take some sort of action, it probably still won’t be enough because the internet makes things easily accessible & we live in sick, cruel world where all it takes is a click of a button, power and or money and BOOM!

I was reading a post on twitter on how we are blaming these shootings on mental health problems/disorders and conditions but how dare we use this as a scapegoat each time someone decides to become radical and do a mass shooting. I couldn’t agree more with the person who stated it, because hell, I suffer from mental health disorders but I am not out here shooting up buildings, blowing up people and taking innocent lives — and while I know mental health is running rapid & many times people can’t afford medication, don’t know they suffer from something or can’t afford to get help they need, it doesn’t mean all of us with mental health disorders are taking it upon ourselves to kill people. I am more than aware that some have severe cases of mental health issues and can cause harm to themselves and others but I don’t believe we should continue using mental health as a scapegoat because I believe it fuels the stigma already placed on people who suffer from mental health disorders/conditions. If mental health is an issue (which it is when people can’t afford or have the help they seek or need) then lets come up with something to help those in need — but if every time we assumed someone who killed someone has a mental health disorder, it would be bullshit because there are so many people in their right mind who just are evil people doing these things, it doesn’t always come down to them having a mental health disorder, sometimes they are just malicious people with bad intents. Two things:

  1. We need to focus on the fact that NOT every person who goes out and does a senseless act has a mental health disorder, fact is, people can be evil and do crimes like this, it doesn’t mean they have PTSD or anxiety or anything else, it could just mean, they are evil and have bad intentions. 
  2.  If we want to keep blaming mental health for reasons why people go out and kill people and commit mass shootings, then find a way to help people or make it possible for people to afford health care, prescriptions, therapy sessions, etc and create a better reform so people understand the different types of mental health disorders & instead of justifying the shootings with this person suffered with a mental health disorder .. how about we take action on gun control & have a better judicial system that hands out consequences instead of slapping people on the wrist to stay moral. 

I agree with this person who quoted:Mental illnesses didn’t shoot & kill 12 people in last night. A man with a gun did. Im sick of people using mental illness as a scapegoat, which further stigmatizes those of us that struggle with it. It’s lazy & dishonest” -Khary Penebaker, Fx .

Again, I am sorry for all those that lost someone due to the shooting, I pray in time you heal and find it in your heart to continue living your best life. ❤ 

P.S I am all for conceal to carry, I believe protecting ourselves is the best method these days; especially in having to defend yourself and family/friends. Take away people’s right to protect themselves, we are left defenseless and people who can’t fend for themselves are usually left to die without being able to put up a fight. However,  I do believe we can come up with a solid solution that doesn’t take away people’s rights to defend themselves but makes it harder for those who shouldn’t have gun to obtain one, but even so, the internet is easy and accessible and people will always find a way. Sadly.

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365 Days of self discovery: Day 50

10.22.18

Day 50

Do You have Self Control or it something you need to work on?

  • I think my self control is a work in progress, I find that I’ve lacked self control many times within my past relationships and it never ended well, and sometimes even within family gatherings because of a situation arising and getting me worked up. I still have work that needs done in this area (as I have recently found out) but from where I started and where I am with it now, it has shown some form of improvement. 

365 days of self discovery: Day 49

10.21.18

What is your reaction when you don’t get what you want?

  • Quite a funny question, due to the fact, I like to assume we have all somewhat had this happen & maybe we weren’t happy about it, but I will assume none of through a tantrum? or did we? lol. Well, growing up in my household, my mom always made sure me and my brother had what we need and most of our wants/if not all; so I never knew what it was like to go without something — and when there would be that ONE time where I really wanted something because someone else had it, and my mom failed to get it for me, I just assumed it was because we couldn’t afford it at the time and would try my hardest to not allow it to bother me (but we know people start to ask questions and so sometimes my classmates or teammates would ask me why I don’t have it, or when I would get it) and I would just make up some kind of lie or rather just pretend I didn’t give a shit about it to want it. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn’t & to be honest, I only remember one time of that happening & my coach would then chime in and try to help pay for it (it was a team hoodie) and my mom just didn’t have the funds right away to get it for me, not to mention it wasn’t her only priority and my coach would then ask me about it and after finding out my mom’s reason for me not having it, I don’t remember if my coach helped to afford it or if my mom just ended up paying for it later on.. either way, that probably has been the only time. Regardless, as I got older, I was then taught in order to get something I wanted, I needed to earn it with either getting a job and making money or doing something around the house that was well worthy the prize. At first it was annoying (to be fair, I didn’t get my first job until I was 18) and it wasn’t like my chores were all that hard, I was just being a lazy teen. I was really living a life of luxury, my mom did our laundry and folded our clothes, etc, hell I didn’t have to do my first batch of laundry until I was like 21 or 22  I think? lol so I can’t really say my life was hard, it wasn’t. Anyways, after obtaining my first job, and having paid for something for the first time with my own money, it felt really good to say I could afford something I wanted and then on, I kind of got used to it UNTIL I quit my job by not showing up for work & my mom didn’t find out til like later on and yeah, so I have to say, I also didn’t particularly want to work but somewhere down the line I ended up getting another job and keeping it much longer. Now that I much older than I was, and don’t rely on my mom for finances; I have had to endure things that humbled me to the point where I had to make certain sacrifices in order to obtain something I wanted, and with those experiences came a better attitude and means of handling things when I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I will still get frustrated or upset depending on the situation but many times, I shrug it off and move on.  

365 days of self discovery: Day 33

10.05.18

 

self discovery day 33

What matters to you most?

  • This question didn’t tell me to list what matters to me most, so I assumed it meant “The one thing that matters to you most” and well, it was somewhat easy to mention that my family and their health/well-being matters to me most. Especially my immediate family members: mom, brothers, grandmother, uncles, aunts, etc. People who have always been in my life. I take death pretty hard when someone I love passes away and to have any of them pass away would be extremely difficult for me, especially if it was someone who I had a closeness with. 

If it had told me to list things that mattered to me most, I would have mentioned my own health/well-being and mental state, my future and what I am able to do for this world that might make a little bit of a difference. 

365 days of self discovery: day 12

9.14.18

What are you most thankful for?

To say the least, I am thankful for many things in my life that sometimes I take for granted. I am learning to focus on what I do have and not so much of what I am missing or don’t have, because in the scheme of things, I have more than what others may say for themselves. For me being thankful and listing all the good things I have going for me isn’t enough for this post because I am willing to bet, we can all be thankful for the shelter we have, food we eat, water we drink, and perhaps the luxuries our income enabled us to buy and live as such. Those are all things most people should be thankful for, but in my world I have something more special to be thankful due to my lifestyle. 

I am most thankful for having a mom and brothers who accept me no matter my sexuality & whom I have chosen to love me and not turn me away or shun me or make me feel inferior to them due to my sexuality. I am blessed with this support because I have heard and have known many cases where families have disowned their children because of it or sent them away to ‘change them’, they have ridiculed them or judged them, and have chosen to turn the cheek when their child only needed and wanted love and support. I have to admit, it hasn’t always been easy to be open with my family but I think their love outweighs their beliefs and my mom never allowed her belief in God or the bible to outweigh her love for me and support of me. I love her for that, always will because this is something that truly makes me happiest when I think of things I am thankful for. 

What is something that you are thankful for, something with a deep meaning or significant part of your life that others might not be able to say for themselves? We should all be thankful for something, because it can always be taken away from us as fast as we got it. Nothing is guaranteed forever.

Shay-lon 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Day 6

What do you need to make you feel safe?

Hard enough question because the only time I probably ever felt 100 percent safe was growing up living with my family & knowing they loved me.  I guess as kids, you almost always feel safe with your loved ones & don’t think of the dangers of the outside world because you assume your parents are “superheros” and defeat all the bad guys. LOL Although there is some of you who have family members who are the bad guys, and you knew at an early age of what it meant to not feel safe, to not know where you end up: dead, alive, beaten, hungry, etc. & I couldn’t imagine those fates — so I try to be grateful for having tough love as a kid but love nonetheless. These days, to feel safe means to live in bliss, because in fact the world is in chaos (and now at an older age, it’s brought to my attention more and more) now to feel safe, I need to know I can protect myself and trust myself to make good decisions (sound decisions) and hopefully be observant of my surroundings & cautious of the people I allow within my circle/ and how much information I am willing to give to social media as well (including my blog). Not to say nobody can feel safe these days, but with more technology and it evolving daily, with more people with bad intentions, and with giving our trust to others, being “safe” is hard. We shouldn’t live paranoid of bad things happening, but hell, I can’t exclude the chances of it happening, because I wasn’t guaranteed a tomorrow, were you?

I suppose I have a small list of things that I need if I want to live a relatively safe lifestyle but can’t say I haven’t taken risk — because what is a life to be lived, if you can’t live it doing something you love. 

  1. Financial stability —- mostly due to the fact knowing that I have someplace to live, something to eat each day, something to drive to work each day, something to shield me in case of bad weather; I am blessed to be able to afford a place to live, it might not be a mansion but it’s shelter & that’s better than what some people have. We take for granted we have a place to call home or at least “crash” at, but I don’t know if I’d survive the streets being homeless —& many people live that life each day without knowing where they will end up. 
  2. Family— I mean I have always been within miles of my family in the same town/city as they are (not all my family members) but my mom and brothers & one of my grandmas whom I am close to, so when the day comes where I plan to move to another city or possibly state, it will be hard because it will be without the safety net of family who love me and have been there for me since growing up. For some people, they may say their friends; but I have a hard time mentioning friends because I have had so many come and go throughout my life, that I can’t say any of them made me feel completely safe — that if I needed a place to stay they would be the one to do it. I know if something happened to me, my family would be the ones to come to the rescue. 
  3. My faith — i believe faith makes a whole hell of a difference, I feel as though my prayers are questions that get answered at some point, it gives me a sense of safety knowing there is a higher power who protects me as well — and allows me to feel as though when I die, I have a place that I can look forward to. I believe that if one has some form of faith (no matter what practice) it encourages safety, and feeling at peace.
  4. A clear conscious— WEIRD? yes I know, because I like knowing that when I lay my head down I don’t have to worry about the possibility of someone wanting me dead. I mean this in a sense that if I have wronged someone, I like to make sure I get the chance to apologize or reconcile or something that brings me a better conscious knowing I did something right in place of my wrong, in hopes that person doesn’t hold a vendetta over my head and want me dead. Not to say it couldn’t happen, because whose to say people will always forgive me, but I just pray it doesn’t escalate to this level of revenge. Ya know?
  5. A good environment — because it can make all the difference. If you live in the projects and have to worry about being on the wrong block with wrong colors, or if you live within a household with ongoing abuse, having a circle of friends who take part in activities that put your life/their lives at risk, living in a town where you feel uncomfortable because of the color of your skin (due to how people treat you), or having to worry about the sex offended who lives upstairs from you and your family, etc. The environment in which you live in & surround yourself with can make a difference in how safe one may feel. I don’t live in the Hamptons, but I don’t live on a street where people would fear their lives walking & thankfully my household is not full of abuse nor neglect & my neighbors haven’t given me a reason to suspect they are weirdos, but you never really know — I try to make sure I am on top of that stuff because my youngest brother comes to visit sometimes and I want to be aware of his safety as well. 

All-in-all my list might be short but it has clear meaning in what I need in order to feel safe, sure I could have mentioned a weapon of some sorts (which I do carry multiple; especially when traveling) and of course I’d say knowing we have a legal system so that if an emergency arises, I know they will respond, having a cellphone for emergencies & common sense because lord knows without that, I wouldn’t be making the best of choices most of the time. I just assume those are all things we probably could all be thankful for in regards to safety, so I wanted to give a better answer that meant something to me & my sense of safety. 

Thank you for reading & hopefully all of you will leave comments answering this same question, because honestly, maybe everyone has their own sense of what it means to feel safe. Share, like and follow!

Shay-lon

365 Day Self Discovery Challenge — Day Two

Yesterday’s question

This question is from yesterday, and I apologize ahead of time for not posting it yesterday online (I did answer it in my journal yesterday) — time got away from me and didn’t have time to log on and post it on the blog. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Well for beginners, there is many things I don’t like about myself —- not as a form of self hatred but being observant of the flaws I hold that can and/cannot be changed. For this particular question, I answered it with honesty but in knowing that it is something that can be changed and worked on to better improve myself. Many of you may be able to relate or might have been able to at some point in your life — and hopefully no longer hold this flaw or are in the works of improving it so that it doesn’t hold you hostage. 

  • I would change the fact that I am hot tempered — quick to get enraged or frustrated. I never really accepted this trait previous to this question because I don’t like having to recognize that this could be an issue and one that forbids me of good relationships and lacks maturity. I cannot deny that there have been many times I have been quick to be offended and spoke out & ended up hurting someone’s feelings due to not thinking before I speak & simply speaking with anger rather than with a calm mind. I have been hot tempered all my life, some years have been worse than others, and now it isn’t as much of an issue until it is. I don’t necessarily find myself physically violent towards people, I just have a quick tongue that will do damage because my rage is speaking on my behalf & it has caused friendships to plummet & even my own family has had to endure it — my mom being the #1 person due to her being even more hot tempered than myself and us clashing when we argue. If you haven’t seen a fire show up close, watch us fight with words and venom and it gets heated fairly quickly. 0-100. I am not proud of my past and how I have chosen to handle most situations (although some of them gave me a reason to be angry and I don’t regret sticking up for myself when need be) — we are human, but this doesn’t excuse my behavior when I get worked up, I need to find better coping methods and better forms of handling my anger so I don’t lose out on people that mean to me. Growing up it was normally with my brother having to prove myself with him and feeling as though it never settled at just words, it would eventually lead to physical confrontations because I wasn’t thinking rationally & many times it even ended up being the same way with my mom as well, the fight, it was never worth it when finished, but in the beginning, it was like the adrenaline got the best of me every time. In relationships I have never been physically violent towards the ones I am dating or friends with, but I have yelled and got cocky, snarky, and said very demeaning things in place of it, and i can’t say it ever ended well — not necessarily in break ups but I am sure it left them in fear or feeling overwhelmed with how to handle the situation. Hell, I would always apologize afterwards during the calm down phase after ‘walking away’ or shutting down — and staying silent, that was my way of letting the person know I was finished with the discussion until I was good and ready to speak on it again. It’s not fair and I felt as though I was being abusive with my words towards them, and all they could do was just take it, take it and try to stay strong & maybe put up a argument back but end up giving up because they couldn’t get through to me because I was in the ‘red’ ; the I don’t give a fuck phase. 

I apologize for the pain that I may have caused some to feel due to my anger and lashing out without thinking things through, I have gotten better at holding my tongue and not jumping into each situation with fist pumping — way better but not yet perfect. It will take me time to completely allow myself to surrender those traits but it is something that is very important for me to do. All this being said, I still need enough fight in me for when I need to defend myself or stand up for myself or use my voice when it calls for it, because I don’t want to be weak & growing up when I didn’t stand up for myself — my mom would yell and punish me, she would be disappointed and expect me to handle things the way she had or/ would have. I wasn’t confrontational with people, I never have been, I don’t like it/ it makes me feel uncomfortable & I think many times this is why I lash out the way I do because it was instilled in me to have a backbone & that the walking away and allowing stuff to happen was the weak way of handling things. I never found the healthy balance, it was either being walked on or walking on others right back — and I acknowledge there is much better process than either one of these, sometimes a still tongue goes further than a talking mouth. Truth be told, my anger isn’t bad, my choice to allow it to control my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of the confrontation is bad. It’s used as my armor & to prevent me from being vulnerable and walked on, but in the end it also causes me deep regret later on. Learning this, I am happy I can admit this flaw & make it a goal to improve, I am happy with how far I’ve come now with it, but I want to make it a conscious effort each time a situation arises. These days, my first line of defense is to seek out answers with a calm level headed mind & to step away when things don’t pan out the way I had planned so that I can avoid blowing up. I hope many of you with this same trait has found a way to postpone it so that you can think things through beforehand — it is worth it. 

I thank all of you for reading and choosing to be apart of my self discovery challenge. Please take the time to answer this question for yourself; either in a post or privately and come up with a solution — think about how this particular trait or attribute hinders you or how it makes other people feel. It’s never easy to speak on our flaws because people assume we are dangerous or damaged or no good, but that’s not it, people can change if they choose to and want to, they have to be willing to find a better path, to search for answers for their pain and use it to improve themselves and grow. Now all of our flaws will be able to change, but the ones that we can, that hold negativity, should be something we work towards bettering. 

Shay-lon