365 Days of Self Discovery: Dreams/Wishes/Hopes/Future

4.26.19

Day 16

What do you fear most about the future?

  • I fear how far technology will evolve, the increase of crime and criminal matters, not knowing what will come of my future or where I’ll be in life. 

Do you have any fears of the future or what will come of it?

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365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Past

4.02.19

Day 26

What has been the most challenging part of your life to date?

  • Building/molding myself into someone I’m comfortable with, without fear of what others may think or say. Being the person I want to be and not what others expect of me — basically choosing to live happy instead of worried all the time of how the world may perceive me. 

Any part of your life been challenging to date? 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Past

3.16.19

Day 9

Where were you, 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year ago?

  • So this is a good question that requires long answers. I will try to keep them semi short for the same of having to read everything but what I wrote down on paper was much longer due to me really getting my thoughts out. 10 years ago, I was 16 years of age, 11th grade, living in Texas for the 2nd year. I had a few friends at this time, and I wasn’t playing basketball anymore due to a certain circumstance that got me kicked off the team the previous year (which I thought was highly unacceptable), but I was still running track and trying to figure my own life out. I wasn’t necessarily happy living in Texas but enjoyed visiting my Uncle and grandfather who lived a ways away in Texas. I wasn’t dating anyone, but I had a few crushes here and there. I was still uncomfortable with my sexuality — because I didn’t quite understand myself but didn’t really think much about it and didn’t reach out to anyone for understanding (I dealt with things alone) I flirted with guys plenty and got a lot of attention from dudes from school who would say vulgar or anticipate that I would have some sort of sexual experience with them (which I did not) the furthest thing I did was texting inappropriately but I had little knowledge on the subject, I was just searching for something & didn’t know what it was. I had good grades in school at this time and I was probably getting the news we would be leaving before I started my senior year to a new state. 
  • 5 years ago, I was 21 years old, happy as hell that I was finally able to drink alcohol legally (although I was drinking it before this) and I was not close to my mom, we would argue and bicker often, I wasn’t close to my younger brother at all, we just didn’t see eye to eye. I was still in denial about my sexuality to other people but I was already out to my mom at age 18 about being bisexual at the time, but wasn’t out about it to certain family members and friends. I was having an internal battle with myself, I don’t think I was in a serious relationship with anyone but I was dating around somewhat & meeting people offline. I had a few experiences here and there with men my age and older but nothing that I want to get into depth about. I was probably out of college (taking a break) but working two jobs at the time and living with a roommate. I didnt have my life together and wasn’t sure where I would end up.
  • 1 year ago, I was 25 years old, my relationship with my mom was shaking but better and my younger brother and me were getting along better as well. I was out in totally by this age and I don’t think I identified as bisexual anymore, so I think I mainly stuck with dating women at this point. Not in a serious relationship, but had pretty much dated around for a while. I was working at the Anytime Fitness gym and working with a company that helped the mentally and physically handicapped. I had already graduated college years prior to this and decided on being a personal trainer as a career choice. I was eager about the future but still dealing with the fact me and my ex had broken up the year previous to this. 
I like to think my life has been a rollercoaster of weird stuff and with all kinds of mistakes and lessons to have been learned from them. I might not still have my life together but I at least know what I want out of life for the most part now compared to then. My relationships with my family now aren’t as bad (although we have our days) but I am busy with two jobs and working on myself more than not, and I want so much for myself, I have put myself first these days and hopefully it pays off. 
 
If you are feeling up to it, share where you were 10 years, 5 years and 1 year ago. If not all three, choose one and share. I know it can be quite the question but the reflection is nice to look back on. 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

3.06.19

Day 66

What is your biggest fear? Why do you think you are afraid?

  • My biggest fear(s) are being alone for the rest of my life (dying alone), dying in a traumatic way (car accident, murder, etc). never amounting to something and being at a constant standstill in my life (no investment in buying a house/condo, living paycheck to paycheck, having to work two jobs, not being able to afford traveling, no sense of self growth or accomplishment. 
I assume most people have a fear of something, no matter how big or small. What are your biggest fears — and why? 

My BLOGVERSARY! *2018

Another Year & I am Still Here.

 

What can I say, still here another year writing and sharing pieces of me that hopefully one day either develop into a story or starts a business where people can’t wait to read what I have to say because it will be something people will want to hear daily. Blogging is second nature to everything else I know, I didn’t start blogging with any idea of how far I could possibly go, or how far I would come — it was just my way to get my health/fitness business started, a way to ignite the important of fitness/health & a host to all my information. For awhile I started going through a couple of my old pieces of writing where the passion was fire and the likes were little to none, and started to read each month & seen the increase of readers, comments, likes, and the amount of post I would do within a day just to make sure I was doing “enough” — by your standards and mine. I started blogging with so little information and no guide, naturally I was having to do this by researching and asking other blogger’s questions (didn’t always help) but there were a few who were helpful and lead me in the right direction. By the time I stepped into my first post, I wrote something and hoped for the best outcome. Took a long time for the best outcome to happen, but it did and it has been growing since then, not as fast but steady and still maintaining some of the same faces who followed me in the beginning are still following me now, it’s wonderful! Blogging has been a magical experience with its good and bad days, and many days I thought about taking long breaks and giving up due to the pressure of my stats not doing so well, but then I seen the way it opened up other outlets (affiliates, marketing, guest post, friendships, mentors, writing for companies/editors, etc) it was worth staying to learn and grow more, it was worth seeing my stats at an all time low in order to prove that it could once more be great, once more be worthy of a following & it was worth watching myself develop as a writer and person through blogging. 

You see blogging wasn’t just for entertainment and for business reasons, it was for personal reasons, I didn’t think I could find an outlet that allowed me to speak to people in the form of writing without fear of what others may think — I don’t speak about my feelings as well as others, and so when I started writing, everything that was on my mind; I allowed it to flow onto the screen and I didn’t look back after hitting “publish” — it was my way of opening up to myself just as this 365 days of self discovery has been. If you take the time to look back on my writing, you will see where the topics have changed, the amount of post a day have changed and my voice within my pieces have stayed the same — because my voice is what captured people, it was the difference between me and the next person writing about the same topic (as yours is unique as well). The foundation of my writing comes from the wonderful readers/writers whom I follow and have continued to be supportive of me as well, they are what sparked these changes in my writing, what helped me to keep going many times, and have been the reason for many of my accomplishments at one point. I owe many thanks to many bloggers who have been more than just a daily reader, but more of a companion & an overseas friend. I couldn’t possibly list them all, because this post would never have an ending but special thanks to:

 

Jim, Ty, PooGja, James, Brad, Bella  — these six have always been wonderful to have, no matter where I land, & no matter how much I slack, they still seem to be around when I come back. Thank you! I appreciate you & I appreciate anyone else whom I did not name, don’t feel left out, because  I recognize new and old followers alike — and I cherish every moment it has created for me and memory I can keep. 

#CheersToManyMoreYears #StillIRise #Shay-lonMoss

365 days of self discovery: Day 49

10.21.18

What is your reaction when you don’t get what you want?

  • Quite a funny question, due to the fact, I like to assume we have all somewhat had this happen & maybe we weren’t happy about it, but I will assume none of through a tantrum? or did we? lol. Well, growing up in my household, my mom always made sure me and my brother had what we need and most of our wants/if not all; so I never knew what it was like to go without something — and when there would be that ONE time where I really wanted something because someone else had it, and my mom failed to get it for me, I just assumed it was because we couldn’t afford it at the time and would try my hardest to not allow it to bother me (but we know people start to ask questions and so sometimes my classmates or teammates would ask me why I don’t have it, or when I would get it) and I would just make up some kind of lie or rather just pretend I didn’t give a shit about it to want it. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn’t & to be honest, I only remember one time of that happening & my coach would then chime in and try to help pay for it (it was a team hoodie) and my mom just didn’t have the funds right away to get it for me, not to mention it wasn’t her only priority and my coach would then ask me about it and after finding out my mom’s reason for me not having it, I don’t remember if my coach helped to afford it or if my mom just ended up paying for it later on.. either way, that probably has been the only time. Regardless, as I got older, I was then taught in order to get something I wanted, I needed to earn it with either getting a job and making money or doing something around the house that was well worthy the prize. At first it was annoying (to be fair, I didn’t get my first job until I was 18) and it wasn’t like my chores were all that hard, I was just being a lazy teen. I was really living a life of luxury, my mom did our laundry and folded our clothes, etc, hell I didn’t have to do my first batch of laundry until I was like 21 or 22  I think? lol so I can’t really say my life was hard, it wasn’t. Anyways, after obtaining my first job, and having paid for something for the first time with my own money, it felt really good to say I could afford something I wanted and then on, I kind of got used to it UNTIL I quit my job by not showing up for work & my mom didn’t find out til like later on and yeah, so I have to say, I also didn’t particularly want to work but somewhere down the line I ended up getting another job and keeping it much longer. Now that I much older than I was, and don’t rely on my mom for finances; I have had to endure things that humbled me to the point where I had to make certain sacrifices in order to obtain something I wanted, and with those experiences came a better attitude and means of handling things when I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I will still get frustrated or upset depending on the situation but many times, I shrug it off and move on.  

365 Day Self Discovery Challenge: Day One.

What are three things you like most about yourself?

Like most people, this was somewhat difficult; and not because I don’t like anything about myself, but because I didn’t know what I liked “most” about myself. It was almost like having to play the elimination game as to what was most important to me. I figured at somewhat this would be a question, I didn’t expect it to be the first question during the challenge. Many times people ask this question when they are trying to make you realize your worth, or have you analyze what traits you have that are good, that are good enough & that one should be proud of. It shouldn’t be a difficult question, assuming you are decent human being who has friends and family that love you. if that’s the case, it should be more of why? why do people flock to you, or like you? but deeper than that, does their reason for liking you match your own reason for liking yourself? If your friends tell you that like you because you are helpful, do you believe you are helpful? do you believe you hold that trait or do you believe it is only based on the fact you allow people to take advantage of you? Sometimes the traits others like about us, aren’t traits we necessarily agree with ourselves — it’s possible that the traits me hold that we enjoy are the ones that many people don’t see or happen to not take interest in, or perhaps are traits you hide in order to protect yourself. Regardless, I think this was a perfect first question, because I know this is an important question if I want to get to know myself on a deeper level. 

The first answer I had to this question is:

  1. The fact I can make anybody laugh without trying. It explains itself, but I have always had this inner self that enjoyed making others laugh. I was the class-clown throughout elementary, middle and high school — it was just who I was; silly, comical, sarcastic and very witty when it came to putting a smile on someone’s face (even if it meant I was embarrassing myself in order to do so) but now when I read this, I think of the many times, I was making people laugh on my own expense & it didn’t feel as good afterwards — It was like I was walking joke; how can someone take anyone seriously if all that do is crack jokes and act childishly? They can’t & I think that’s the con to this trait. Its being able to make someone laugh but not realizing that in the long run, laughing was also my way of hiding behind a mask to cover up my insecurities. If I wanted to feel comfortable in a setting, or wanted to fit in with people, it was my way of auditioning for the cool kid table, my way of proving my own worth to others. Basically sums up why, I still use laughing gigs in order to make me feel comfortable or at ease. My random thoughts, jokes, and bouts of sarcasm are hiding my social anxiety. It’s a wonder that when I tell people I have social anxiety, they always reply with “I wouldn’t have guessed”. While I love making people laugh, I also want people to take me seriously & I don’t want to continue to use it as a shield for my social anxiety, I want to utilize it as a trait that makes other people comfortable around me and not make me stand out as the standing joke. 
  2. That I am a good goal setter, and ambitious.  This trait alone is rarity these days because people become complacent when they are comfortable, but I always aim for much more than that for myself, because I see how far others have come to meet their goals & I decide that anything is possible after that, even if it means I have to put in more work. My ambition gives me drive and allows me to set goals, but when my ambition runs low, so does my motivation to set goals and achieve them. I have worked aimlessly to meet deadlines, to achieve great things within my life but the problem is when you are as ambitious as myself, you never see it as an accomplishment, only another step in the right direction. You wear yourself thin to the point where you either shut down, or give up, or become stressed out to the point of rage & it does you know good, but you feel as though you are always behind when really you made progress. I don’t know what progress is when I am embarking on a new goal or taking another leap forward, it never feels like an achievement in my eyes, it’s almost like I am moving in slow motion; light years away from the finish line. I love my ambitious personality and the fact I see better for myself, but it hinders me from seeing the overall scope of things, it brings the worst out of me when I don’t feel like I am being productive in my life, when I feel like I could be so much further but I am not, it hinders my mentality and gives me stress, overwhelms me and brings me down in a slump at the sight of how much more pavement I have left. It’s a curse and blessing.
  3. My ability to motivate myself. I don’t rely on the support of others to get me through the day, to have me start my daily routine, to give me the energy after work to attend the gym for a workout, to wake up out of bed after a break up.  I don’t like relying on other people for motivation because I have seen where people have let people down & the end result never ends well. I don’t need a cheerleader in order to hit a PR or a friend to attend the gym with me in order for me to feel obligated to go, I use my own intrinsic motivation to get me by because at the end of the day, that’s what works best. The problem with relying on yourself is the fact we are human and have bad days & when they happen, it’s hard to talk yourself out of the bad day.. so that’s when a friend/peer/family member would be a good asset. There have been days that I had wished I gotten a text or phone call or note telling me that I am doing awesome & to keep it up but because I don’t get that kind of support from anyone, I have to focus in on myself and use what’s most important to me to help me pick myself back up again if need be. It isn’t easy relying on your own motivation; but it makes you stronger and gives you a sense of independence. 

I want all of you to give this challenge a try and make a blog post — asking yourself this same question and answering it. I want you to tag me and or send me the blog post when finished so that I can read it & be apart of your personal self discovery. I think self discovery can be done in many different forms and takes time, & so, if you need a reason to do it, do it because you want to continue to grow and want to learn more about yourself. In fact I am doing both, keeping a private journal handwritten and sharing this journey with all of you on my blog. I hope if anything else, you can share your journey with me and feel open to talk to me about many depths of who you are. Thank you for reading & see you tomorrow for day 2. 

Shay-lon