When Drama comes starts knocking, I leave the door closed

Good drama, is a poor excuse to have drama

Ya know what I have come to realize, that some people need drama to thrive on friendships, need drama to feel a purpose and rely on drama to gain some of kind insight on other people’s lives — me on the other hand, I don’t need it nor want it and I delete it as soon as it forms. 

Having been much younger once, I knew what drama could produce at an early age, and had my share of people’s bullshit and wanting to be apart of heavy gossip in hopes it would give me kudo points for being on the same side as others. Let’s face it, in grade school and some of high school, drama formed so often that when you think you dodged a bullet, it just meant another person had room to attempt the same scheme. I’d like to say with age came wisdom and learning from former mistakes and choosing to focus on more important things rather than other people’s business BUT, can’t say it meant drama would cease to appear in my life, nope, drama was still around and for good reason, because without it, meant I had little to no friends. Yet, you start to realize drama creates chaos and chaos invites itself in your life when you are most vulnerable or weak minded. In order to rid of chaos, you learn you have to make sacrifices that aren’t easy but will payoff (doesn’t seem that way at first) but in time it does payoff. 

For me, in order to live a drama free lifestyle, I had to rid the people I surrounded myself with that were bad blood and carried negative vibes — wasn’t easy until I started to see how it hindered my growth financially, mentally, educationally, and physically. Here I am YEARS later, without an ounce of drama to my name & the drama that might have tried to seep into my life, I ignored it or shut it down, & gave it no attention unless it was something that needed to be talked about in order to move on from. Otherwise, when drama comes knocking, I leave the door closed. Now drama normally is equated with gossip and I don’t particularly love hearing gossip, especially since I have learned and matured enough to make up my own opinions of other people once I get to know them vs believing everything someone else tells me (I always “consider my sources”) which means whatever someone tells me about another person, I take with a grain of salt until it has been proven / else I make my own judgement based on how the person treats me personally & if I am being honest, what someone does in their free time isn’t my business unless it effects me or somebody I care/love. Case closed.

Another form of drama is in relationships & I suppose those are much harder to shut down, because I assume we love the person we are dating & so this makes things more complicated BUT I found the best way to prevent drama from forming in your relationships is understanding the person’s character before putting yourself in a relationship with the person and really thinking about if the person is compatible with you. Good looks don’t mean the person has a solid character and just because he/she gives to charity doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t gossip.. so this is where being superficial can harm the future of your relationship. I believe it takes time & you and only you know what you need out of a person in order to have a successful relationship and so you need to make good decisions to have good outcomes. Not saying a relationship will be perfect but when the time comes and drama shows up at your front door during your relationship — the goal is for both parties to find a solution together that doesn’t burden the relationship or person/people within it. That’s the goal — easier said than done. 

Third form of drama is when you allow it to change your character in order to keep your popularity or friends. I think this is one of the worst forms because it really has a way of biting you in the ass if you don’t pay mind to it. I had to learn that popularity and having the most votes doesn’t mean anything if I have to change myself in order to be accepted among the majority. Nobody likes being an outcast/different, but sometimes being the unique one makes for a better character and a longevity of true friendships. Doesn’t mean you will win an Oscar , but it could mean you earn a good reputation. 

You learn that drama will happen, and continue to happen and that some forms of drama can be ignored and other forms need to be dealt with in order to make it disappear or prevent it from causing further chaos. I have had people say there is good drama, but good drama isn’t drama – it is reward, inspiration, blessings, and positive vibes & it doesn’t create chaos, but creates wisdom, happiness, triumphs, and builds good character. The good drama people speak of is: congrats, birthdays, holiday greetings marriage/newly weds , pregnancy, anniversaries, good health, promotions, compliments, good counsel, good deeds, and love. These are forms of drama that help uplift, motivate and give people a reason to smile — 

“Good drama doesn’t exist, it is purely a person with good intentions looking to give someone a reason to be happy” – Shay-lon Moss

 

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365 Days of Self Discovery: Day 71

11.12.18

How much do you love yourself right now?

  • Currently I am on this self discovery journey learning more about myself and learning to forgive myself of my flaws, imperfections, mistakes I’ve made, learning to accept myself, learning that not everyone will like me but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I love myself, but I want to love myself all the time, I want to love myself 100 percent, I want to be able to say it confidently without doubts. This self discovery journey has been pleasurable and has taught me new things about who I am and what makes me me, I’ve enjoyed it. 

Why Rehash the Past? I’d rather take my loss.

rehash the past

Yesterday — I didn’t expect to get the text message I received and to be honest, I didn’t expect to not care either. To be fair, I have had many times where I cared too much about something and needed answers but I am learning that sometimes answers carry weight & I don’t need any more weight on my back or anymore luggage to carry around with me. I received a text message from someone I used to talk to, we weren’t in a committed relationship at any point in time, but we had started talking sometime in February and I was left to pick up what was left of me at the end of August of this year. She really enjoyed me and while she wasn’t my type initially, I gradually started to enjoy spending time with her as well. She started “falling in love” with me over this course of time and while I had love for her , I didn’t fall in love with her, and so I was upfront about wanting to stay friends for while longer until I sorted out my feelings and felt that I was ready for something more serious. I started talking to another person, because I liked having options and getting to know other people, and I figured by explaining this to her and allowing her to do the same, it was only fair & would put less pressure on us eventually dating. Over a period of time, she started replaying her thoughts and emotions, hoping that we would at some point be on the same page & end up together but I kept things stalled. If we fast forward some months, we ended up fighting over dumb shit, things that didn’t matter whatsoever but were small and avoidable but because I think we were spending so much time together, maybe it was a sign we were growing sick of one another — I don’t know. We had made plans on a Friday & she lived a hour and some odd minutes away, so I figured we would meet up at her house, get a nap in and talk and start in on the plans — BOY WAS I WRONG. We did get a nap in, but the talking part was only pain and anger mixed in one bottle & I was left crying and enraged and she was emotionless & content with her decision of “asking me to leave” — I eventually left after having tried to talk to her, but she didn’t want to hear anything I had to say, all she could conjure up, was needing time to herself for a while & I respected that but I didn’t understand her reasoning for having me drive all the way there to be told this bad news in the first place. It was her way of telling me to my face — which I value but I guess, I never seen the signs coming of this horrible day to come. 

I remember leaving her house and looking at her one LAST time before driving away, and my tears were hardly dried up and I looked exhausted. If nobody knew any better, it had looked like I was mourning a loss, and to be honest I was, I was mourning a loss in friendship with someone I had grown to know. I gave it a week or so before I messaged her, all the while I was falling apart and feeling useless, I just felt the world stop before me. She had ignored all my messages until she finally answered letting me know, she was hoping to “ghost me” but she felt bad about it and decided to give me a response and basically left it with “I just want to be single for a while, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore” — all I could think of was: 1) we were never dating, 2) I was completely okay with her being single & 3) where the fuck did all this come from in the first place. I did tell her those three things, but she refused to answer any questions and I asked her about our friendship, like how does this effect our friendship & she basically decided against being friends as well (without saying so)  —————— this leaves me to my point as of what happened yesterday.. 

Yesterday she sent me a text apologizing for how she left things with me, admitting the immaturity and how wrong she was and told me she had her reasons for doing what she did, and if I was interested, she would be open in letting me know & and had hoped I was doing well. The first thing that came through my mind, is why? why do you all of a sudden give a care about giving me some type of reasoning for your choice in how you handled things, how come this all of sudden bothered you enough to text me. Personally, I think guilt weighed on her mind, and at that very moment, I didn’t care enough to respond & still don’t. I figure there is no reason to, I had to move on & restart my routine and I had to learn to do that without closure or understanding, so I don’t need her reasoning or closure to continue my life; what was done, is done & while I appreciate the apology, I don’t plan on living my life chasing after reasons to only rehash the past. 

Sometimes things are best unanswered. 

I don’t live my life to Appease you

Not anymore.

It is within our nature to want to be accepted by others, to want to “fit in” and feel like we can have a common place with someone else. We strive to be this person that people can say they like, talk highly about and want to be around on a more constant basis. It’s almost like we do things in order to prove we are worthy of these things, but what for? because popularity is a form of what we would consider “love”, and people like feeling loved — and cared for. It’s without a doubt, a great indicator of who we are and how we perceive ourselves because in the mist of wanting to be this “popular” buzz, we find out what sacrifices we had to make in order to appease the crowd & how those same sacrifices effect our character. Sometimes by being the “crowds favorite person” you find out that you had to sell your soul to the devil (metaphorically speaking) and once you decide to sell yourself short in order to gain a couple new friends, you don’t get to make another bargain. It’s a final sale & there are no refunds, you gave away yourself in order to buy a new face — you prided yourself for the amount of people who speak about you, but not everyone stays around long enough to meet the real you, when you finally have had a enough exhaustion for one day & need a break from it all, you have to remember it comes with a losing sacrifice, you lose out on the people you gained and you lost the ones who accepted you without change — but because of your greedy mind and wishful thinking, you have nobody at the end of this tunnel if you don’t stick with this mask that made you phenomenal. 

I created this writing as a piece to dedicate to myself & to those who have or once had lived to appease. They lived their lives constantly wanting someone to notice them, wanting to be their friend, wanting to be apart of something grand because for so long they weren’t happy with what they had, even if what they had was pure. Sometimes we want to strive for bigger & better but not always is this the best path, it can come with consequences if you don’t read the small bold print at the bottom of the contract and has its been known to change a person’s character and scar them. For we don’t get to choose who we meet, but if who we meet changes who we are for the worst, than maybe we need to reconsider how we go about letting people in. To appease someone else by changing yourself is like living a life with half truths. Not everyone was meant to like you, the true you, some will deem it “not good enough” ; but what isn’t good enough for them was good enough for those who stayed by your side no matter your flaws. If ONLY one person deemed you “good enough” , that one person is worthy of your love because that one person didn’t ask you to conform but instead asked you to be yourself in exchange for their true selves. We don’t have to unmask ourselves to see the face, we only have to question if who we really are, is the mask we put on everyday. Don’t live to appease, live to be loved and to be cared for 100 percent, live to be you, live to be true and never live to fit in because tears will flood the eyes who have reached their own demise. 

Shay-lon

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think in the comment section & if you are a fan of these spoken verses, please feel free to share with your peers, like this page and follow my blog. 

365 days of self discovery: Day 16

9.18.18

How would you want other people to describe you?

  • There’s no magical words that I would want people to say about me because I’m far from perfect & not everyone will like me.  If anything, I’d like people to be able to say that I’m charismatic, open-minded/least bit of judgmental, understanding and someone that is positive. That I try to look at the good in people to better know them and understand them, so that I can form my opinion. I want people to be able to say that I’m honest & trustworthy, confident, yet, humble and blunt but doesn’t go out of her way to intentionally cause harm to people; a realist to say the least — optimistic but it doesn’t hinder my ability to see the truth. As an added bonus, I would love if someone mentioned that I was smart (wise) possibly due to my experiences and educational background, passionate about important topics that hold some form of relation to her life or encourage people to come together for a greater good/purpose & treats people equally no matter their status quo. One of the most important aspects I would want someone to describe as me is someone who is always willing to learn, and be taught — her pride doesn’t hinder her ability to gain more knowledge in subjects that she is not well-informed in or needs more work in. 

I believe all of us would want people to say something good about us, about who we are, about their first impression of us upon meeting us and speaking to us. This specific question made me think of when the day comes I am to be buried, I want people who attend my funeral to say things about me that aren’t dull (i.e nice, friendly, caring, etc) because those are things we all hope to be, but I want people who have known me to know that I had so much more to me than what lied on the surface & so much more to give than what I was able to sometimes. I don’t think I am special, and need an applause, however, I do want to leave this earth knowing people actually took the time to get to know me. 

It’s your turn, tell me how would you want someone to describe you & leave in the comments. 

Thanks for reading, and feel free to like, share and follow. 

Shay-lon

365 days of self discovery: day 12

9.14.18

What are you most thankful for?

To say the least, I am thankful for many things in my life that sometimes I take for granted. I am learning to focus on what I do have and not so much of what I am missing or don’t have, because in the scheme of things, I have more than what others may say for themselves. For me being thankful and listing all the good things I have going for me isn’t enough for this post because I am willing to bet, we can all be thankful for the shelter we have, food we eat, water we drink, and perhaps the luxuries our income enabled us to buy and live as such. Those are all things most people should be thankful for, but in my world I have something more special to be thankful due to my lifestyle. 

I am most thankful for having a mom and brothers who accept me no matter my sexuality & whom I have chosen to love me and not turn me away or shun me or make me feel inferior to them due to my sexuality. I am blessed with this support because I have heard and have known many cases where families have disowned their children because of it or sent them away to ‘change them’, they have ridiculed them or judged them, and have chosen to turn the cheek when their child only needed and wanted love and support. I have to admit, it hasn’t always been easy to be open with my family but I think their love outweighs their beliefs and my mom never allowed her belief in God or the bible to outweigh her love for me and support of me. I love her for that, always will because this is something that truly makes me happiest when I think of things I am thankful for. 

What is something that you are thankful for, something with a deep meaning or significant part of your life that others might not be able to say for themselves? We should all be thankful for something, because it can always be taken away from us as fast as we got it. Nothing is guaranteed forever.

Shay-lon 

Been Gone for awhile

If any of you follow me on social media, you are probably aware that I had a really downward spire rough week & avoided contact with social media, friends, family, etc. I won’t get into specifics, but I have been gone for quite a while (due to circumstances) happening in my life that came unplanned and unwanted — Today is my first day back on the blog & social media in “full swing” again. The past week or so hasn’t been easy and honestly, it is only because of prayer and having the courage to get back up again when I felt dark that I am even able to write about it. Naturally, sometimes circumstances give you a chance to look at yourself with more clarity and find ways to focus on self healing, self discovery and possibly rely on some form of spiritual sense. Well as cliche as it might sound, that’s exactly what this situation left me to do besides laying in bed all day with no motivation and no drive to talk or be apart of life’s endeavors — I have decided to take on some books that hopefully will be a positive force within my life and future & I have started meditation once more, hopefully sticking with it this time, I am going to take some steps to help myself journal my self discovery and really dive into myself & try to make myself happy with what I plan on doing. It will be some steps and quite the voyage, but I feel it will be worth it. 

I pretty much will be going back to my normal routine but with some added bonuses to my daily lifestyle & my main focus will be building myself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally while building my career as a Personal Trainer. I know I have been back and forth with a schedule that works for my readers so that I stay more consistent with blogging & I plan on doing that as well (coming up with a schedule) and now that my mind is less overwhelmed, I will surely do this and let people know what will be happening with the blog(s). I have many topics but I have been working on a personal website for my business, and I plan on blogging there as well, so I want to leave many topics for that particular website when it gets finished up (& yes some topics will be from this blog as well/perhaps with a new frame of mind) I need to find a way to keep myself accountable with the self discovery and meditation — so I may decide to take part in a challenge for a year or use the blog to keep me on the right path (we shall see). I will be using a journal to document my daily thoughts, emotions, the agenda and events — good and bad to keep me aware of myself. Hopefully in the end, this is something that will help to heal and build me with a new form of appreciation for myself. 

I currently downloaded a meditation app that I have been doing for the past 4 days & it has been wonderful; if anyone wants information on it, feel free to ask, maybe we can connect. Outside of that, I will be back on social media tomorrow to reply and show support — I appreciate all of you whom have been nothing but a great positive force within my blog career and life. Much appreciated and looking forward to speaking soon!

P.S I don’t have a consistent plan/routine yet for my self healing or self discovery yet, so if you have nay books, any journals or articles (whatever resource) that you would recommend, feel free to leave it in the comments, as it would bring me great joy to further my research and find a way that works best for me through your help.

Shay-lon