This question is from yesterday, and I apologize ahead of time for not posting it yesterday online (I did answer it in my journal yesterday) — time got away from me and didn’t have time to log on and post it on the blog.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Well for beginners, there is many things I don’t like about myself —- not as a form of self hatred but being observant of the flaws I hold that can and/cannot be changed. For this particular question, I answered it with honesty but in knowing that it is something that can be changed and worked on to better improve myself. Many of you may be able to relate or might have been able to at some point in your life — and hopefully no longer hold this flaw or are in the works of improving it so that it doesn’t hold you hostage.
- I would change the fact that I am hot tempered — quick to get enraged or frustrated. I never really accepted this trait previous to this question because I don’t like having to recognize that this could be an issue and one that forbids me of good relationships and lacks maturity. I cannot deny that there have been many times I have been quick to be offended and spoke out & ended up hurting someone’s feelings due to not thinking before I speak & simply speaking with anger rather than with a calm mind. I have been hot tempered all my life, some years have been worse than others, and now it isn’t as much of an issue until it is. I don’t necessarily find myself physically violent towards people, I just have a quick tongue that will do damage because my rage is speaking on my behalf & it has caused friendships to plummet & even my own family has had to endure it — my mom being the #1 person due to her being even more hot tempered than myself and us clashing when we argue. If you haven’t seen a fire show up close, watch us fight with words and venom and it gets heated fairly quickly. 0-100. I am not proud of my past and how I have chosen to handle most situations (although some of them gave me a reason to be angry and I don’t regret sticking up for myself when need be) — we are human, but this doesn’t excuse my behavior when I get worked up, I need to find better coping methods and better forms of handling my anger so I don’t lose out on people that mean to me. Growing up it was normally with my brother having to prove myself with him and feeling as though it never settled at just words, it would eventually lead to physical confrontations because I wasn’t thinking rationally & many times it even ended up being the same way with my mom as well, the fight, it was never worth it when finished, but in the beginning, it was like the adrenaline got the best of me every time. In relationships I have never been physically violent towards the ones I am dating or friends with, but I have yelled and got cocky, snarky, and said very demeaning things in place of it, and i can’t say it ever ended well — not necessarily in break ups but I am sure it left them in fear or feeling overwhelmed with how to handle the situation. Hell, I would always apologize afterwards during the calm down phase after ‘walking away’ or shutting down — and staying silent, that was my way of letting the person know I was finished with the discussion until I was good and ready to speak on it again. It’s not fair and I felt as though I was being abusive with my words towards them, and all they could do was just take it, take it and try to stay strong & maybe put up a argument back but end up giving up because they couldn’t get through to me because I was in the ‘red’ ; the I don’t give a fuck phase.
I apologize for the pain that I may have caused some to feel due to my anger and lashing out without thinking things through, I have gotten better at holding my tongue and not jumping into each situation with fist pumping — way better but not yet perfect. It will take me time to completely allow myself to surrender those traits but it is something that is very important for me to do. All this being said, I still need enough fight in me for when I need to defend myself or stand up for myself or use my voice when it calls for it, because I don’t want to be weak & growing up when I didn’t stand up for myself — my mom would yell and punish me, she would be disappointed and expect me to handle things the way she had or/ would have. I wasn’t confrontational with people, I never have been, I don’t like it/ it makes me feel uncomfortable & I think many times this is why I lash out the way I do because it was instilled in me to have a backbone & that the walking away and allowing stuff to happen was the weak way of handling things. I never found the healthy balance, it was either being walked on or walking on others right back — and I acknowledge there is much better process than either one of these, sometimes a still tongue goes further than a talking mouth. Truth be told, my anger isn’t bad, my choice to allow it to control my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of the confrontation is bad. It’s used as my armor & to prevent me from being vulnerable and walked on, but in the end it also causes me deep regret later on. Learning this, I am happy I can admit this flaw & make it a goal to improve, I am happy with how far I’ve come now with it, but I want to make it a conscious effort each time a situation arises. These days, my first line of defense is to seek out answers with a calm level headed mind & to step away when things don’t pan out the way I had planned so that I can avoid blowing up. I hope many of you with this same trait has found a way to postpone it so that you can think things through beforehand — it is worth it.
I thank all of you for reading and choosing to be apart of my self discovery challenge. Please take the time to answer this question for yourself; either in a post or privately and come up with a solution — think about how this particular trait or attribute hinders you or how it makes other people feel. It’s never easy to speak on our flaws because people assume we are dangerous or damaged or no good, but that’s not it, people can change if they choose to and want to, they have to be willing to find a better path, to search for answers for their pain and use it to improve themselves and grow. Now all of our flaws will be able to change, but the ones that we can, that hold negativity, should be something we work towards bettering.