365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Past

3.30.19

Day 23

Did you ever experience bullying? How did you deal with this?

  • Yes, I experienced bullying on multiple occasions throughout my life. I was bullied in elementary school,  two middle schools and two high schools. It was tough, because I was taught to stick up for myself and not allow people to do harm to me, thankfully, my bullying was all verbal but nonetheless, I never did stick up for myself. Normally, I would ignore it and say nothing, cry when I got home or had alone time, I would allow it to happen and not say anything to adults about it including my own family members. I pretty much did nothing. When I was being bullied by my own family sometimes, I did pretty much the same thing or I would lash out and cry, get mad and say really mean things back, remove myself from the room, etc. 
Have you ever been a victim of bullying? Did you do anything about it, or tell anyone? 
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365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Past

3.20.19

Day 13

What is your saddest memory?

  • My saddest memory would have to be when my grandfather passed away a week before Christmas I believe it was. Our family had just moved to a new state and it wasn’t too long ago I was visiting him at the hospital, he was talking but I knew he was in pain and that his condition was serious. I never figured his time after that would be cut so short, I loved him and I think the fact I couldn’t make it to his funeral sucked, and the fact I never got to say goodbye sucked, and I was younger, in my preteens, so of course it was just difficult all around. 
What was your saddest memory?

365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Past

3.16.19

Day 9

Where were you, 10 years, 5 years, and 1 year ago?

  • So this is a good question that requires long answers. I will try to keep them semi short for the same of having to read everything but what I wrote down on paper was much longer due to me really getting my thoughts out. 10 years ago, I was 16 years of age, 11th grade, living in Texas for the 2nd year. I had a few friends at this time, and I wasn’t playing basketball anymore due to a certain circumstance that got me kicked off the team the previous year (which I thought was highly unacceptable), but I was still running track and trying to figure my own life out. I wasn’t necessarily happy living in Texas but enjoyed visiting my Uncle and grandfather who lived a ways away in Texas. I wasn’t dating anyone, but I had a few crushes here and there. I was still uncomfortable with my sexuality — because I didn’t quite understand myself but didn’t really think much about it and didn’t reach out to anyone for understanding (I dealt with things alone) I flirted with guys plenty and got a lot of attention from dudes from school who would say vulgar or anticipate that I would have some sort of sexual experience with them (which I did not) the furthest thing I did was texting inappropriately but I had little knowledge on the subject, I was just searching for something & didn’t know what it was. I had good grades in school at this time and I was probably getting the news we would be leaving before I started my senior year to a new state. 
  • 5 years ago, I was 21 years old, happy as hell that I was finally able to drink alcohol legally (although I was drinking it before this) and I was not close to my mom, we would argue and bicker often, I wasn’t close to my younger brother at all, we just didn’t see eye to eye. I was still in denial about my sexuality to other people but I was already out to my mom at age 18 about being bisexual at the time, but wasn’t out about it to certain family members and friends. I was having an internal battle with myself, I don’t think I was in a serious relationship with anyone but I was dating around somewhat & meeting people offline. I had a few experiences here and there with men my age and older but nothing that I want to get into depth about. I was probably out of college (taking a break) but working two jobs at the time and living with a roommate. I didnt have my life together and wasn’t sure where I would end up.
  • 1 year ago, I was 25 years old, my relationship with my mom was shaking but better and my younger brother and me were getting along better as well. I was out in totally by this age and I don’t think I identified as bisexual anymore, so I think I mainly stuck with dating women at this point. Not in a serious relationship, but had pretty much dated around for a while. I was working at the Anytime Fitness gym and working with a company that helped the mentally and physically handicapped. I had already graduated college years prior to this and decided on being a personal trainer as a career choice. I was eager about the future but still dealing with the fact me and my ex had broken up the year previous to this. 
I like to think my life has been a rollercoaster of weird stuff and with all kinds of mistakes and lessons to have been learned from them. I might not still have my life together but I at least know what I want out of life for the most part now compared to then. My relationships with my family now aren’t as bad (although we have our days) but I am busy with two jobs and working on myself more than not, and I want so much for myself, I have put myself first these days and hopefully it pays off. 
 
If you are feeling up to it, share where you were 10 years, 5 years and 1 year ago. If not all three, choose one and share. I know it can be quite the question but the reflection is nice to look back on. 

365 Days of Self Discovery: Your Past

3.11.19

Day 4

What is your biggest regret?

  • I have a few. I’ll be honest in saying the list is LONG and can’t decide which is worse at this point in my life. We all have made some mistakes in the past (even if you live with the saying, no regrets); you have made mistakes you aren’t proud of. I was young once — some would argue to say I am still young at 26 but I was naive and adventurous and wanted to live in my own world and listen to my own rules — maybe it was the wild side showing after so long of feeling as though I was sheltered from the “fun”. I don’t really want to go into all the regrets I have because some are kind of dark and more private than others, but I will mention that one of my regrets is applying for so many credit cards  — I mean I had like 6 and probably only needed one & I allowed the credit limits and my credit score get the best of me and made bad financial decisions that I am paying for now STILL! which is sad, because I didn’t see myself in credit card debit as my future, but it happened and now I have learned from this mistake. 
Do you have any regrets you want to share? 

365 Days of self Discovery: Feelings & Emotions

1.12.19

 Day 13

Do you believe crying is a healthy outlet for negative emotions? What makes you cry?

  • When I was younger, crying was a reaction I had to many things that were negative, mostly when I was trouble, I did it a lot. My mom disliked when I cried, she would always tell me to quit my crying and that crying wouldn’t get me anywhere in life. She used to say how quick I was to drop a tear.  I learned crying was not an accepted reaction in my household growing up & when I got older (high school and beyond) I started reacting with anger — lashing out with words and physically want to fight the person who was causing me to feel that way. I would cry while being angered or after being so angered because normally I was sad, or feeling misunderstood or feeling hopeless, I didn’t like talking about my emotions with anyone, so my emotions and feelings I held inside and sometimes it would cause me to erupt after a while. Now, I will cry when I feel some form of depression or sadness coming on, or on my period and hormones are going crazy, but it usually take a lot for me to cry — now I am more apt to respond with anger or I will ignore the person/situation all together to avoid getting myself too worked up. If I do cry, I prefer crying alone vs crying in front of others; especially in front of my mom. I don’t like having people witness me cry. 
Personally, I think crying can be used as a healthy outlet for those of us who have a hard time talking about our emotions/feelings with others, sometimes crying is what keeps someone from viciously attacking themselves or other people, it is their way of letting you know they have reached their limits. However, I do believe that crying doesn’t help solve problems, doesn’t make the pain go away — it might numb it for a small amount of time, but once you have stopped the crying it comes back, so, eventually we all have to learn to face the situation head on & find coping methods that are better suited. I cry when I am sad: death, fear sometimes, depressive episodes, certain songs that trigger flashbacks or bring back memories that are sad, pain (physical and mental pain), and sometimes guilt. 
 
What are your opinions on using crying as a healthy outlet for negative emotions, good or bad idea? why do you feel this way? what makes you cry? or are you the kind of person who doesn’t cry?