365 Days of Self Discovery: Day 9

9.11.18

Do you worry too much? How can you deal with this?

In the previous post I mentioned how I worry quite a bit about different things and it stems from anxiety & brings about anxiety or a sense of feeling overwhelmed. I do believe I worry too much, and I don’t particular enjoy it. As of now, I have been taking part in meditation, but also, reading a good books has helped & music helps to get my thoughts out/ at the same time doesn’t quiet my brain when I am worried (so its a positive and negative) but for sure meditation & reading a book has been helpful, allows me to escape for a while and focus on being more at peace and calmness. I also believe my fear of losing routine or not finishing everything I planned for the day causes to me worry because then I have to think about when I can play catch up, so I don’t get too far behind. It’s a cycle, I am trying to teach myself that it is okay to go off the beaten path sometimes, and that we can only do what we can do, and not worry about what doesn’t get finished, because it will at some point. 

What helps you deal with being worried too much? or is this not an issue for you. Feel free to share in the comments, & make sure to follow, share and like!

Shay-lon

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365 Days of Self Discovery: Day 8

9.10.18

What do you worry about?

What a question for the kind of day I’ve had — having my IG hacked, for one that is a starter to my worries, but if we were to put that aside, my worry is for my future — my business/career, not knowing how my life will pan out, not knowing if I will be in a “happy place”, not knowing if I will be prosperous in all aspects of my life or will I be in the same situation I am now; feeling complacent. I like planning for my future (creating long term goals) but sometimes I feel like they take so much time to conquer and I second guess if I will ever make it out of this mundane lifestyle and into what I yearn for / what my heart desires. I am 26 right now and that means I am closer to 30, I’d like to be so much further in my life by the time I hit 30, I don’t want to live with this thought of not making it further in life than where I am currently. I get comfortable and then it gets hard to change, but I need change because if I don’t change, then I will be stuck being mentally drained from feeling worthless. I have smaller day to day worries as well; paying bills, working two jobs, is my mental state okay, will I be able to blog on this and that day, my body image being “good enough” , possible car problems arising, how to spread my time so I am able to spend more time with loved ones when possible, making sure I focus on my well-being and trying to keep my head above water when I feel anxiety or overwhelmed. These worries continue because of my anxiety and feeling as though I can’t sometimes take hold of my life the way I want to, it’s like I do well and then at some point I hit a brick wall & it stops me in my tracks. Its tough because many times I wish I didn’t care about so much, then I wouldn’t have to worry so much. 

What kind of things do you worry about? EVERYONE worries about something at some point in their lives; so what is something that has been on your worry list. Feel free to share in the comment section, and don’t forget to follow, share and like the page! 

Shay-lon

Crying in a pool full of tears

relationship-unknown

It’s scary to think it was just a month ago, I had found someone who made me feel alive and wanted for the first time in a long time.  It will be almost two months and I never thought for a second I would be at this point in the relationship where I am faking a smile, burying my head in pillows, and feeling less than my best on a constant basis. See, my partner and I click well, we have this ultimate relationship, this firework, this bolt of lightening that can grasp the attention of others. Nothing in a relationship is perfect, hell we live 4 hours away from one another and make it work because we care about each other and enjoy seeing one another. I got lucky with this one, blessed with this one, not letting go of this one, can’t get them off my mind kind of person and yet you are wondering why I am “drowning in a pool of tears”? My partner just figured out that they may have PTSD from their past relationship (they were in a mentally abusive relationship prior to dating me) and they didn’t realize how it would effect them now in this relationship, but they mentioned their tolerance would be low and they would be in “moods”, “not knowing what they want”, and random “sadness, annoyed, frustrated” etc. My ex had PTSD as well, and I was able to handle it for the most part, but everyone is different, nothing is the same for everyone, I even have a friend with PTSD and she was able to help me understand it in such a way that made sense. Now, my partner did her research (not see a specialist) and figures it would have to be the answer, but it could be a multitude of things, but nonetheless, I trust them. I decided to do my own research of it to refresh my mind and it can be difficult for relationships, friendships, life, etc, but I decided I could stick through this, because I care about them very much.  I let them know they could count of me for support and I would stay by their side no matter how bad it gets, and I continue to make that promise, because I refuse to give up on them.  

Normally, I am not the type to blast everything over the internet about my business, but sometimes I need to vent and instead of talking to someone one-on-one, I blog about it or write about it, not for the advice or help, but in hopes it releases the pressure from my brain and others can relate to my story.  My partner asked me for a break, space and told me to calm down.. as if they knew I would panic (which I would have, if I had not been sick at the time), I felt weak, I felt at fault, I felt like I lost a bestfriend/my babe/my reason to smile most days. I reassure them that it was fine and that I understood, and would give them the space they needed, in hopes it would be helpful because I am not sure what they are going through or how they feel, but I imagine it had to be bad if it came down to this. Every relationship needs its space, needs its bumps and obstacles, some go through more than others. I decided to suck it up and be STRONG, suck up my tears and focus on my week ahead, suck it up and smile, suck it up and push through this because I have to, I have to know that this is temporary because I refuse to be negative. I had been doing good, getting good news from editors, and I tried to put my best face on to avoid questions, to avoid embaressment, to get by at work, I thought no one could see through my smile and recognize my worry, my tears from the previous night, the sad songs streaming through my mind and the lack of interest in conversation, but people seen, people asked, people shared their advice and people listened & didn’t laugh, it all helped but it didn’t mend. 

Friday will be a week since talking to my partner, I miss the good morning text, the goodnight calls, the counting down to see each other, the “have a good day at work”, I miss texting you telling you how beautiful you are, I miss giving you all my attention, I miss the quick good byes; talk to you after work kind of days, holding you close to me, being told “I am the only one you want”, having you as my go to when everything seemed upside down in my life, your advice. I realize we have bickered, but nothing worth being upset about for more than 5 minutes, I know you need this space babe, so I want to give it to you, I am not leaving your side and I am going to patiently await your return because I don’t give up, and because I miss you like crazy but I am strong, I am trying, I am here for you when you are ready.  This wasn’t meant to be easy, our relationship wasn’t meant to be perfect and I will continue to make mistakes and learn from them, but don’t you forget I am here, I am here. 

We had planned on me coming down Oct. 2nd, I have been praying and staying positive in hopes I will hear from them before then. “The strongest people are the ones who have been hurt and still manage to get up” -Shay-lon Moss

Yours Truly,

Shay-lon xoxo